


My eyes don't shed tears, but boy they pour when im thinking 'bout you

by Carazollo



Category: Jaspar (Youtube)-Relationship, Youtubers
Genre: Abuse, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2018-04-18 06:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 20,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4694996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carazollo/pseuds/Carazollo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaspar xx Joe loves Caspar, Caspar loves Joe too- but he doesn't exactly realize it until it's too late.. or is it?<br/>basically Caspar is dealing with his sexuality and Joe thinks Caspar hates him so he moves on.. kinda.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A tornado flew around my room before you came, Excuse the mess it made

If someone asked if he would go back and change what happened that night between them, he would say no. That night was beautiful- full of drunk kisses and husky whispered 'I love yous'- it was almost like a dream. He had never felt so full of love and laughter with memories of lingering touches and hands tangled in hair. That night was perfect, and no he wouldn't take it back, but he would take back the next morning. 

It was like a switch had flipped, because the night before Caspar held him in his arms and Caspar made him cry with sweet words. The morning was different. Joe had woken before Caspar, he smiled and curled into Caspar's side. Caspar let out a soft groan and pulled Joe close, but when his eyes opened he looked confused and instantly he threw Joe off the bed onto the hard floor.  
~  
"What the hell Caspar!?" Joe yelled from the ground, quickly standing up.

"Don't fucking touch me, Joe!" Caspar growled back.

Joe stood dumbfounded. Had he done something wrong? "What's your problem, did I do something to bother you, love?" Joe didn't think anything of the pet name. He always calls Caspar things like that, even before last night.

'Don't call me that, I'm not a faggot!!" Caspar was fuming. His voice was shaking.

Joe couldn't believe what he was hearing, why would Caspar say that? He started shivering and he couldn't stop the flow of tears that started to pour down his face. Just last night Caspar was telling Joe how much he loved him. Just last night Caspar was holding his waist and telling him how bad he has wanted this. Joe wiped at his eyes. Caspar was just confused the same way Joe was when he first kissed-touched another boy in secondary school.

"Caspar, there's nothing wrong with being gay, what we did last night.. that was okay.. you don't have anything to be ashamed of.. you said you loved me, I love you too."

"I'm not gay!" Caspar was suddenly in Joe's face, so close his angry spit was flying onto Joes flushed cheeks. "And I don't love you, Joe, last night was a drunk mistake, I was horny and you were there to fuck. End of story!!"

Joe started crying more, he reached out a hand and rested it in Caspar's hair, stood on his toes and kissed Caspar again. Caspar doesn't mean it he told himself. He's loved Caspar for years. Caspar's his best friend.. Caspar's his sun and moon, his world.

Caspar kissed back. He was kissing Joe back just like the night before. Joe smiled into the kiss. Suddenly Caspar stopped and he forcefully pushed Joe off him. He had angry tears in his eyes and he looked at Joe like he was diseased, like Joe was sick.. Joe looked down with puffy red eyes.

"Leave Joe."

"Caspar.. please..just listen to me?"

"Leave."

Joe stood there humiliated in his tight black boxers, ashamed of himself for no real reason, he looked back at Caspar fully dressed standing as far away from Joe as his room would let him.

Joe quickly went to his own room, slipped on some joggers that were way too big and a tight, thin, black sweater. He packed a bag of clothes and toiletries then silently walked back into Caspar's room which was empty of Caspar and the feelings of last night. He turned and walked up the stairs and found Caspar sitting on the sofa typing on his phone.

"I'm going to go to Zoe's for a few days." Joe tried to say with some courage, but it just came out as weak.

"Good." Caspar said bluntly.

Joe walked fast out the door, missing the tears that started streaming down Caspar's face as he left.

xx


	2. No, I don't like you, I just thought you were cool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar's View of things.. Kinda.. Well he's confused- you could say.

~

 

 

Caspar walked around aimlessly, it had only been a few hours after Joe left and he was already feeling lost in the big apartment they shared. Maybe he was too hard on Joe. No he had to make it clear _he is not gay_ , whether it hurt Joe or not. What he did was the right thing, he told himself. Well maybe he should have told Joe he just wanted to stay friends in a less harsh way. He walked into Joe's room and sighed deeply.

_'You fucked up. You really fucked up._ ' A voice in his head kept repeating.

Now laying on Joe's bed he curled into a ball and started sobbing again. "I'm not gay!" He cried out loud. Who was he trying to convince. No one was here. _Hell_ , maybe he was just trying to convince himself. Truth was he was barely drunk last night when pulled Joe into his room. He shook those thoughts from his head and stood up wiping his eyes. He'll go watch the telly to get his mind off last night and this morning's events.

After a few minutes of flipping through channels, Caspar heard a knock at the door.

"Coming." He moaned. _Maybe it was Joe. He could apologize for being an arse. No it couldn't be, Joe has a key. Duh, Caspar._ Moaning again he walked to the door.

~

 

"Hey there mate!" An excited looking Oli beamed as he opened the door.

"Hi Oli." Caspar replied. He was in way to much of a sour mood to deal with Oli, or anyone, right now.

Oli was dressed really nice for a Tuesday at brunch time, Caspar noted. He was wearing a button down green blouse, that was tucked into his tight black slacks, and his black Gibson boots looked as though they were just shined.

Caspar chuckled- before looking down at himself. Ew. He looked liked a hot mess, compared to the gussied up Oli standing in front of him. He, himself, was wearing the same light blue jean skinnies he wore yesterday, when they went out, and the red t-shirt Joe had on last night before Caspar pulled it off of his slim frame. He got re-dressed so quick this morning, he didn't even notice what he had put on. His hair was a mess sticking up in all different directions. He only had one sock on and he smelled like pure sweat.

' _Gross.'_   He thought to himself.

"What are you doing here, Oli?" He asked with a curious face. "And why are you dressed up?"

Oli looked past Caspar and into the apartment, he looked slightly confused, Caspar noticed.

"I was supposed to meet Joe here, we were going to go to a meeting together. Where is he? Can I come in? Are you okay?" He kept asking different questions so Caspar just moved out of the door way and let him walk in.

"Yeah m'fine, Joe is at Zoe's for a few days, he must have forgot about the meeting. Maybe you should text him and remind him." Caspar quietly mumbled.

"Oh yeah!- I probably should. Why did he go to Z-..." Oli began, Caspar quickly cut him off.

"...We had a fight." Caspar felt tears starting to form, he quickly turned away from Oli and rolled his eyes at how lame he thought he was.

"Oh!" Oli gasped shockingly. He sat down on the sofa patting a spot for Caspar to sit.  Caspar followed the pat and sat beside Oli. Oli pulled out his phone and started typing-more than likely texting Joe about missing the meeting. He threw his phone on the chair across from the couch and turned his full attention on Caspar. "What happened?"

"I really fucked up."

"What did you do?!?" Was Oli's quick reply. 

He eyes were open wide like he was watching some drama and the girl just said he was pregnant with her husband's brother. Caspar laughed at his own little comment in his head and looked down remembering what Oli wanted to know.

"...It's a long story.." Caspar whispered. "I don't really want to talk about it. All I can say is well- I said some things I shouldn't have- we did something's we shouldn't have done and I need to make things right between us. Joe and I just need to set some things straight. Well, I need to set some things straight, and then we can hopefully go back to the way things were before."

"You slept together didn't you?!" Oli yelled and put a hand over his mouth. "Whoa! Are you guys together? I knew you guys were together. I knew it! Why didn't you tell any of us, you didn't have to keep it a secret, you know none of us would mind! Wait! Am I the only one who doesn't know!?" He rambled on and on.

Caspar felt his stomach drop. "SHUT UP OLI! What are you talking?! No! Oli! We are not together man! We never were and we never will be." His face was a bright red.

His mind began to wonder what being with Joe would be like. He wondered if they would keep it a secret from their friends and family or if they would tell everyone. Would they make a video about it?

_'Shut up Caspar_ ' He thought to himself putting his face in his hands.

"Oh.." Oli mumbled. "I'm sorry.. I shouldn't jump to conclusions like that, mate. Then what exactly happened?"

"You we're right about one thing. We slept together, but it was just a drunk mistake. Joe thought it was more. I'm not gay. I was just, you know, feeling the moment I guess. Too drunk to notice who I was fucking...It wasn't fair to him, I know, but I don't want things to change between us."Caspar mumbled. _I'm not gay._

"Caspar." Oli said sternly.

It made Caspar look up not used to Oli sounding so serious.

"What!?" He asked confused.

"I was with you guys, last night, before you and Joe went home. You weren't even buzzed. You had half a beer. I mean Joe was pretty plastered, but you weren't. Don't tell me different, Will and Josh would agree with me. Mate, you were sober enough to drive home." Oli said.

"Well maybe I had more to drink when I got home!" Caspar instantly got defensive. "You, Will, and Josh wouldn't know if I did or not. So fuck you, don't be such a arse." He shot back upset for no reason, Oli was right.

"Whoa Cas.. I was just trying to help.. look mate.. maybe you should think about how "drunk" you actually were and then talk to Joe about this." Oli got up from the couch and started walking to the door.

Caspar started following him. "Wait Oli, you don't have to go. You're not an arse. I didn't mean it."

Oli opened the door and looked back disappointingly at Caspar. "You apparently have said a lot of things you didn't mean." Next thing Caspar knew Oli was out the door.

"Urgghh!" Caspar screamed. "When did my life become a soap opera!" He said to himself.

_'Today has just been completely fucked._ ' He whined in his head.

~

He walked back down stairs and into his bedroom, sighed, and looked down at his bed. He wasn't drunk last night, maybe a little buzzed. He erased that thought from his head, quickly ran into Joe's room, and buried himself in Joe's blankets.

He couldn't lay in his room. Not now. He couldn't lay on that bed. It just made him think of Joe's flushed face, Joe's long eyelashes, Joe's teeth on his shoulder, Joe's small-tight body beneath him. The way Joe moaned when Caspar kissed below his ears and the way Joe said his named when Caspar pushed into-...

Caspar shook his head trying to clear away all those memories. Maybe Joe's bed wasn't helping- it smelled to much like Joe. Okay! So Joe's bed was definitely not helping but it was the lesser of two evils, in his mind at least.

_'Maybe I should call Joe and say sorry- tell him to come back home to me. No it's probably best he stays at Zoe's until I can get last night out of my head. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.'_   Caspar kept telling himself before he drifted off into sleep.

_I'm not gay.._

xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment - and Enjoy!! Tell me what you think, darlings! I don't plan on adding chapters this fast, I will probably start adding new chapters once a week.
> 
> Love, Carazollo xx


	3. I still dream dream dream, I still dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar has a bad dream- very short chapter!
> 
> Next chapter is in Joe's pov!  
> xx
> 
> p.s. Bold=Text messages  
> and  
> Italics= Thoughts and/or dreams

_"You like lads! You queer!"_

_"Faggot!"_

_"I heard you kissed James under the rugby bleachers!"_

_"Yeah it's true! He did kiss me! He's sick! He's trying to turn me into a fag!"_

_"We don't want a queer to be our team's captain!"_

_The group of boys surrounded the frightened 14 year old Caspar, even James, who was one of Caspar's best mates at the time-the boy Caspar kissed- the boy Caspar fancied, started shouting slurs at him._

_"I'm not gay!" Caspar yelled at them, face red with embarrassment._

_They were his team- his friends. Why were they ganging up on him?_

_"Then why did you kiss me!? Huh?!" James yelled. Suddenly his "friends" who, just yesterday night, he was eating pizza with seemed a lot more intimidating- snarling, with some of their mouthguards still in place and their scrum caps smushing their faces in weird ways._

_"I..I..I..I didn-" Caspar began before he was cut off with a shove. He backed into the lockers slowly- cornered like their prey._

_"Liar! Yes you did!" someone from the back shouted._

_He looked over them all and then turned to look at James._

_What was the problem with liking James-with kissing James! He was a few years older than Caspar and he was all muscles- but also tall and thin, he had light brown eyes that made Caspar smile and golden-brown hair that shined on the field. He smelled like strong deodorant and sweat. He was always so nice to Caspar, he went out of his way to make Caspar comfortable. Who could blame him for fancying James?_

_"Even if I did kiss him what's the difference between kissing girls and blokes!" Caspar screamed at them all, starting to get real annoyed with this group of boys._

_Caspar instantly regretted saying that as soon as it left his mouth-because that's when the first punch came. Right in his jaw. He grabbed his face with a hurt expression, but that didn't stop them. Next thing he knew he was pushed to the floor and his "mates" had formed a circle around him- kicking and spitting on him. At some point one of them started smashing his head in the lockers._

"STOP!" Caspar yelled sitting up in Joe's bed covered in sweat. Oh.. it was just a dream.

"Fuck." He sighed closing his eyes, wiping the tear stains off his face with the blanket he was tangled up in, he reached for his phone and looked at the time.

"4:18." He moaned to himself.

His eyes started watering up again so he sat there in silence for a few minutes and then without really thinking he went into his recent messages and clicked on Joe's name. He stared at their messages for a good long while before beginning to type with blurry eyes- in his sleep filled head he thought it was a good idea to talk to Joe right now, maybe he just missed him.

**'I learned that the difference between kissing girls and blokes is that when you kiss girls you don't get hit'** He pushed send and closed his eyes. He would deal with what he just said when he woke up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment - and Enjoy!! Tell me what you think,! Again I don't plan on adding chapters this fast, I will probably start adding new chapters once a week soon.
> 
> Love, Carazollo xx


	4. No matter what you say or what you do When I'm alone, I'd rather be with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe's pov- how he's feeling about everything so far
> 
> plus+ Zalfie xx
> 
> p.s. Bold=Text messages  
> and  
> Italics= Thoughts and/or dreams

****

Joe woke up way to early if you asked him especially with barely any sleep- last night was madness, he showed up to Zoe's pretty much a mess. The long ride to Brighton left him with too much time to think and he ended up on Zoe's doorstep sobbing-begging her to let him stay for a few days. She immediately went into mother-mode dragging him in and reassuring he can stay however long he wants! - With or without Alfie’s consent in the matter.

~                                          

He sat down on her couch, she handed him a tissue and called Alfie down to make them tea. Joe smiled at how Alfie complied- he is a great guy. Really big hearted, like Caspar. Trying to cleanse that thought or any other thought of Caspar from his head he stared at the floor- sniffling quietly, embarrassed about Alfie seeing him like this. Not like Zoe hasn't.

"What happened, Broseph?" Zoe asked trying to lift the mood with the nickname.

"Cas..Caspar..and I had a.. let’s say a massive falling out."

"About what!? Do I need to have a chat with him?" She replied.

"NO! No... Zoe. Just no." He decided looking everywhere he could besides her face would make it easier to talk to her about this. "It was my fault really... I misunderstood."

"Misunderstood what, Joe?"

"Nothing...”

"Joe, it’s clearly something!"

"Fuck Zoe... I thought he loved me!"

"Of course he loves you, Joe, what are you on about?"

"No... I thought he loved me in a... different way... like proper and shit."

"Oh.. Oh Joe, I..." Zoe was stopped by Joe's blunt words.

"We fucked Zoe!"

"WHAT?!" She yelled.

"What happened?" Alfie said as he came running in.

Joe quickly put his face down in his palms trying not to cry again. It just all hit him again at once- all the harsh and sweet things Caspar said. He just wished none of it happened- he wished it could go back to the way it was before with Joe secretly loving Caspar and Caspar being clueless and not disgusted with him.

He felt Zoe's hand rubbing comforting circles on his back- ssshing his cries. When he lifted his head up he could see her mouthing at Alfie to go away, after Alfie left he couldn't hold it back anymore.

"He hates me Zoe.. I don't know what to do now.. I just can't stand him hating me like he does.. you should have heard him, he was so mad at me. He just kept saying that he wasn't gay.. that he was just drunk... What if he kicks me out or what if he doesn't want to speak to me anymore? I can't take that."

"It's okay Joe.. It's alright- you know Caspar doesn't hate you, he thinks the world of you. He won't kick you out. I think you both just need sometime apart from one another and then you guys can talk it out- maybe he's not gay or maybe he's just not ready to come out yet. You can't force him and I know you love him-like all proper and shit..."

Zoe smiled fondly at Joe mocking him- Joe smiled back. "...but you can't wait on him to come out and you can't just sit around wishing that he does. You have to move on, no matter how hard it might be."

"You're right.. and some time apart will be best for now"

"Well you're welcome to stay here as long as you like Broseph."

"Thanks Zoe.. for everything."

After their long conversation Alfie re-joined them and they all curled up on the sofa with their now slightly-cold tea and watched films until around 4 in the morning when Joe fell asleep on the sofa- Nala asleep under him.

~

So yes Joe hardly got any sleep last night- yawning he reached for his phone, having to pull in out from under one of the couch cushions. He had 3 messages and 4 missed calls. The calls were all from Oli.

**'Call me we had a meeting remember' -Oli White**

**'Forget the meeting- are you okay, mate?' -Oli White**

He tried to type out a convincing message to Oli, hoping he didn’t somehow know what happened, pft, how would he?

**'Oh shit! I completely forgot... and yeah I'm good, mate. How are you?'**

He wasn’t good and he didn’t forget. He was actually kind of a mess. Sighing, Joe went to see who the third message was from.

**'I learned that the difference between kissing girls and blokes is that when you kiss girls you don't get hit'- Caspar Lee**

Joe gaped like a fish out of water. What? Why would Caspar send that to him- what made him think that it would be okay- Joe looked down, was it a threat to him..? No Caspar would never! What if he’s really hurt about the whole thing- what if he’s struggling with the thoughts having been with Joe that night? Joe didn’t know if he should be offended, worried, or hurt. He pushed on the message box with a red face. He typed out a lot of different things erasing them seconds later- how was he supposed to respond to something like that? Finally he settled for something friendly and at the same a little bit sarcastic.

**‘And I learned that being happy with who you are is worth a hit or beat up every once in a while. You can’t let the people who taught you that win- love is worth fighting for. Whether it’s a girl or bloke. Call me.’**

Joe pushed send- sweating with watery eyes. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe he shouldn’t have gave in so easily and told Caspar to call him- but fuck he missed him. He wanted to hear his voice- which is pretty sad if you asked him because it’s only been a day since he last saw him.

“Broseph!?” Zoe called from somewhere- Joe assumed it was from her room, so he went in search for her, he was right, she was laying in her bed, makeup-less and looking pretty worn out.

“Yeah Zoe, are you alright?”

“Not really… I’m feeling a bit anxious today. Alfie’s gone to Jim and Tan’s for a few hours- shooting a video. I forgot to pick up dog food last night… but I can’t go out in public right now- Nala’s hungry and I-I- was just wonder-“

“Say no more! Let me get dressed and I’ll go. Anything for you- I owe you, besides we have to make sure Alan gets his nibbles.” He walked over and kissed Zoe on the hair. “Be back in a bit.” He walked out of the room.

When he got to his suitcase he pulled everything out trying to hurry and find something to wear that didn’t make him look like a mess or at least less of one. Maybe getting out in the town for a bit will be good thing. Get some fresh air. He decided to wear tight black skinnies with rips on the knees and a grey t-shirt with a black jacket over it. He rushed to put on socks ending up having two different pairs on not really caring, he slipped on some black booties. After looking himself over in the mirror he ran his hands through his wild hair and grabbed his wallet, ready- he walked out the door.

Being in town did help, it was nice to walk through the nice breeze and not have to worry about anything in that moment. He left his phone at Zoe’s- because well, sometimes you just need some time away from everything- it had nothing to do with the fact he didn’t want to see Caspar’s reply- maybe he didn’t want to answer his call. He kind of wanted Caspar to call and not answer just for the kicks of being able to say I don’t need you and it doesn’t kill me not to answer your calls. Which it did and he did and yeah he probably wasn’t making sense, but he’s kind of at a loss right now so he’s allowed to be, right?

“ _Urggh Joe this walk is supposed to take your mind off of Caspar!”_ He growled at himself.

He stop when he saw the market, walked in, and went over to the animal foods.

 

~

“I probably should have asked what kind to get.” He said out loud to himself. He put his face in his hands mentally yelling at himself for being so stupid. When he looked up he saw a guy staring at him, and when the guy saw that Joe saw him looking he began to walk over to Joe.

“Hey there.” The man said huskily.

“Hi.” Joe waved awkwardly- the man’s voice was deep and collected.

The man licked his lips and looked down at Joe smirking. “Thomas.” He reached his hand out for Joe to shake.

 Okay maybe it was a little weird this stranger coming up to him and introducing himself in the middle of the puppy isle- like it was nothing, but Joe couldn't help looking up and down the man, now known as Thomas. He was really cocky was Joe’s first thought and really hot was his second.

He had dark features- long black hair and dark brown eyes. He had a strong jaw that was covered in stubble. His eyebrows could be called a work of art- they were big and bushy but at the same time they were tamed, there was a piercing in the left one, a black bar. Thomas was tall- like really tall- taller than Caspar tall. Joe had to arch his head up just to see his face, but even though Thomas was tall he wasn’t really lanky- he looked strong and thick muscled.

His clothes then caught Joe’s attention- his black skinnies were sagging way to low- anyone could see his Calvin Klein underwear and he had on a dark blue-jean vest over a white t-shirt. His body lingered in different tattoos and he smelled like cheap cologne and cigarettes.

He was the exact opposite of Caspar- Joe smiled and reached out his hand. “Nice to meet you, Thomas. I’m Joe.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment - and Enjoy!! Tell me what you think,! Again I don't plan on adding chapters this fast, I will probably start adding new chapters once a week soon.
> 
> Every comment makes my day! Thank you all for the comments an Kudos!
> 
> Love, Carazollo xx


	5. Getting to know you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens after Joe meets Thomas

Joe smiled and reached out his hand. “Nice to meet you, Thomas. I’m Joe.”

-

After a few moments of silence and soft stares Thomas let go of Joe’s hand and gently moved a stray piece of hair from Joe’s face.

“You’re stunning.” Thomas whispered smirking.

Joe flushed bright red immediately- what was he doing talking to this stranger in the middle of a market! What would Caspar think!? Wait, why did he all the sudden feel guilty about talking to this man as if he was cheating on Caspar or something. Caspar doesn’t give a fuck what he does or who he talks to- Caspar hates him. He’ll show Caspar.

Joe ran his hand through his hair and licked his lips- “Thank you.. Do you really think so?”

“Yeah I do.” Thomas replied. “Give me your number.”

Joe pulled out an old faded receipt from his pants pocket and Thomas handed him a pen. He quickly wrote down his number trying to shake off the weird feeling he was getting from Thomas- the way he didn’t ask for his number- the way he just commanded him to give it.

“Well, here you are.” Joe handed him his number-feeling a little anxious and excited about it.

When Thomas’s hand lingered on Joe’s for a bit too long, Joe pulled away with a quick- “Oh, look at the time- I better get back to my sister, she’s not feeling well, call me later or something, yeah?”

“Of course, baby.” Thomas’s smirk got bigger after seeing Joe’s face heat up again from the pet name.

Joe awkwardly walked out of the market- forgetting all about Nala’s food and thinking he was never going to hear from Thomas again.

After quietly walking back to Zoe’s he shut the door and rested his back against it- he’ll call Alfie and ask him to pick up some puppy nibbles.

He went to tell Zoe about his mistake and about Thomas but she was nowhere to be seen- eventually he saw a note on her and Alfie’s bed saying-

_‘Couldn’t be alone- so I went to Jim’s and Tan’s to meet up with Alfie, love you Broseph, thanks again for getting Nala some nibbles.’_

Sighing he walked over to the couch and thumped down- should he check his phone? What if Caspar tried calling, what if Caspar left hurtful messages- why did he even respond to Caspar’s message in the first place!? He reached for his phone needing to tell Alfie or Zoe to pick up Nala’s food and not having the strength to resist seeing if Caspar called him.

Nothing. He had no missed calls- no new messages. He suddenly felt really alone. He closed his eyes groaning out loud. He’s not used to feeling this much all at once. He just need’s someone to talk to- no, he needs to talk to Caspar-

“Fuck it.” He tells himself. “I need to call him and make things right...”

Joe quickly called Alfie to get it out of the way, but before he got the chance to phone Caspar his phone began ringing-

_‘Unknown’_ it said.

“Hello?” He answered.

“Hey, baby.” The voice whispered huskily. Thomas- its Thomas from the market! Joe blushed softly.

“Oh! Thomas! Hi!” Joe yelled out excited. “I’m surprised you called!”

“I told you I would, beautiful. How could I resist something as sweet as you?” Thomas’s deep voice vibrated through the phone.

-

4 hours later Joe was still laughing into the phone- he loved the way Thomas made him laugh. It was a good feeling- Thomas was definitely blunt and cocky (nothing like Caspar), but it didn’t bother Joe that much. He could look past it. It was kind of exciting meeting someone new- the rush of it all was getting to Joe.

He learned that Thomas just turned 39- 15 years older than himself. He also learned that Thomas has one brother named Daniel and lost his mother at a young age. Thomas is a mechanic, who has an obsession with old classic cars, which fits well with his job. Thomas also has two pet Dobermans- named Grease and Rusty. He told Joe all about the way Grease and Rusty loved to ride around in his old red 1957 Ford Thunderbird. He also told Joe how he hated sports and technology like the internet (which Joe gasped at of course!).  Overall, he felt like the really was starting to know Thomas- and even though they had a lot of differences, Joe was really charmed by him.

“It’s really late my sister will probably be home soon. I should go.” Joe smiled still blushing from their last conversation where Thomas was telling Joe he was perfect.

“Alright, baby. Call me right when you wake up in the morning.”

Joe was taken back by the oddly forward command still in the rush of it all he waved it off and replied with an awkward okay which Thomas chuckled at.

“Bye, princess.” Was the last thing Thomas said before hanging up leaving Joe red and shocked by the pet name.

“What the fuck have I got myself into…?” Joe whispered to himself.

-

Twenty or so minutes later, Alfie and Zoe walked in. Shortly after that Zoe yelled at Joe for forgetting Nala’s food and Alfie groaned about having to leave early from Jim and Tanya’s to go get it- after 10 minutes of arguing with them about it, Zoe stormed off to her room upset because _‘she asked Joe for one thing- he doesn’t ever use his head blah blah blah’,_ Joe decided it wasn’t the best time to tell them about Thomas.

Joe felt bad about their argument so he decided to make it up to them by cleaning up their kitchen- he was also trying to distract himself from the fact that Caspar never called. When he looked at the time he saw it was 3 am- he needed to go to sleep. He changed into his night clothes and crawled into their guest bed. He tried to go to sleep but he ended up staying awake until 5 am thinking about Thomas and Caspar...

When he woke up he went to look at the time on his phone. 1 pm- shit he slept in. Soon after seeing the time Joe’s eye instantly got wide- he had 23 missed calls and 11 new messages- all from Thomas.

_‘Wakey Wakey.’ – Thomas, 6 am_

_‘Are you awake yet?’ Thomas, 7 am_

_‘Baby?’ Thomas, 7:30 am_

_‘I called at least 6 times.’ Thomas, 7:50 am_

_‘Just ring me when you finally wake up’ Thomas, 8 am_

_‘I want to see you today but I have to go to work soon’ Thomas, 9 am_

_‘I hope you’re not just ignoring me…you were supposed to call me when you woke up.’ Thomas, 9:13 am_

_‘I go to work at 12 call me before then’ Thomas, 9:28 am_

_‘Well I’m getting ready for work now- still want to see you today’ Thomas, 10:39 am_

_‘Princess?’ Thomas, 11:15 am_

_‘Call. Me.’ Thomas, 11:50 am_

Joe immediately felt bad- why did he over sleep! Fuck! It was really weird to him how someone he just met yesterday was blowing up his phone (it was a little creepy to him)- he half wanted to not ever reply and just stop talking to Thomas all together- but the other half really didn’t want Thomas to be mad at him, he wanted Thomas to like him.

“At least he actually wants to talk to me unlike Casp…” He whined to himself. He found himself calling Thomas back soon after that.

“Hey!” He said awkwardly when the phone picked up. “I’m really sorry. I just woke up.”

He tensed at the silence- until he heard Thomas’s laugh through the phone. He let out a breath of relief he didn’t know he was holding and laughed softly with Thomas.

“That’s okay, baby. No problem- sorry that I kept calling- I was hoping to wake you.” Thomas replied smoothly. “Can I pick you up after work? I want to take you to dinner tonight.”

“Oh! Yeah… sounds great! When do you get off?” Joe smiled bigger- he can just pretend all the calls and messages didn’t happen.

“7. You can message me the address later. Be ready for me, princess.”

-

Soon after the phone call ended Joe felt a lot better- look at him go. See, he doesn’t need Caspar! At least that’s what he kept telling himself. While, at the same time wondering what Caspar would think of Thomas calling him baby and princess… which was still really odd to Joe.

He looked at the time once again- with it now being 2:30 pm- he decided he should probably get ready for his date.

xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy- kind of a short chapter! xx Please let me know what you think
> 
> Love, Carazollo


	6. Diamond Princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas and Joe's date...

7:00.

It is 7 pm and Joe is dressed to impress- in his black skinnies, dark red button down, black blazer, and black booties. He sprayed his expensive cologne on and walked down Zoe’s stairs. As soon as he got down he heard cat whistles and shouts of approval from Zoe and Alfie. (After his shower he hesitantly told them about the date-they both instantly cheered up.)

“Wow Joe, you look fantastic!” Zoe yelled jumping up and down with excitement.

 Joe didn’t tell them about the weird pet names or the crazy amount of missed calls from Thomas… or that Thomas was 15 years older than him…- he decided only to tell them the good things about his interesting date tonight, trying to convince them Thomas is this perfect guy- maybe he was trying to convince himself- either way, it’s just one date and a great distraction from Caspar (who still has yet to call or talk to him).

“Do a little spin for us!?” Alfie joked from the couch.

“Oh, shut it!” Joe flushed. “The both of you!”

“We’re just excited for you, is all, Joe!” Zoe chirped.  “Right Alfie?”

“Right.” Alfie kept cackling.

 

-

 

“It’s 7:40.” He was supposed to pick me up at 7!” Joe groaned from his slouched position on the couch. “I got all dressed for nothing.”

“Oh, shush, he’ll be here. Zoe immediately shot up from her spot on the couch. “Did you hear that!? That was a car door! He’s hereeee!!”

She did a little dance and ran to the door.

“ZOE!” Joe called. “Sit down! Don’t you embarrass me!” Joe nudged her away from the door. A few seconds later they heard a knock.

Joe pushed Zoe away again shaking his head when she and Alfie lingered near the window, looking out of it, wanting to see Joe’s date.

Joe ran his hand through his hair one last time- suddenly feeling really nervous- he opened the door smiling.

“Hey.” He said shyly.

“Hi there.” Thomas returned smoothly. Joe had to catch his breath. Thomas looked different from the market. He was wearing a black Ralph Lauren suit (tieless) and his long black hair was slicked back with grease- and he was clean-shaven. He still had his eyebrow piercing in and he still smelled like cigarettes and really strong aftershave. He looked really handsome and Joe felt underdressed compared to him.

“You look great.” They both said in unison.

Joe could hear Alfie and Zoe giggling from somewhere behind him- probably waiting to be introduced. “Um… this is my sister Zoe and her boyfr-…”

“Hello!” Zoe yelled jumping out with Alfie before he could finish. “I’m Zoe- this is Alfie nice to meet you, we’ve heard great things about you!” Zoe smiled. After shaking Alfie’s hand and giving Zoe a few compliments Thomas looked back towards Joe.

“Are you ready to get out of here, then?” Thomas smiled fondly at Joe.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Zoe called from the door as they walked to Thomas’s Thunderbird.

 

-

 

“Whoa, this is the car you we’re telling me about.” Joe whistled softly after Thomas opened the door for him to get in.

“Yeah this is her- her name’s Shelly.” He replied after getting in the driver’s seat.

“Sorry it took me so long to get to you.” Thomas said after a few silent minutes of driving. “I got you something. I had to go pick it up.”

“What?” Joe asked eyes wide with shock. “You… you got me something… on our first date?” Joe laughed nervously.

“Yeah- I hope that’s not to forward. I’ll give it to you when we get to the restaurant.”

“Oh! It’s not and okay...” Joe smiled not knowing what else to do.

Throughout the car ride Thomas kept looking over at Joe- it made Joe blush like mad. This was crazy to him. He’s never been on a date with someone he barely knows and then Thomas gets him a gift- it’s giving him major butterflies.

When they got to the restaurant the butterflies hit even harder- this was probably the nicest restaurant Joe’s ever seen. It was huge, like a hotel, and when they stepped out of Thomas’s car they stepped onto a pathway that was covered in bright fairy lights (which also wrapped around the trees) and white rose petals laid everywhere. Joe had never seen anything like it before. It was magical.

He smiled up at Thomas to see him smiling back at him. “You like?” He asked.

“It’s beautiful, Thomas.”

“Not as beautiful as you, Joe. This is where I want to give you your gift. Turn around and face the car-close your eyes.” Thomas said his deep voice sending shivers down Joe’s spine.

Joe did as he was told and anxiously turned around and closed his eyes. He felt Thomas putting something heavy around his neck. Thomas leaned in close next to Joe’s ear so his lips were touching it- which made Joe shiver.

“Open your eyes.”

When Joe opened his eyes and saw his reflection in the window he gasped. Around his neck was the most expensive thing he’s ever seen. It was a huge white diamond necklace- it honestly looked like something Elizabeth Taylor would wear. It looked priceless and quite feminine- It also looked like it didn’t belong around Joe’s neck. It was too much- too fancy, but stunning. Joe stared at it for a few more moments in ‘Shelly’s’ window before turning back to Thomas.

“Thomas- I can’t take this. I just met you yesterday.” Joe reached up to take it off when Thomas pulled his hands back down by his wrists and turned Joe back to where he was looking at his reflection again.

“It’s rude to give back a gift and something this beautiful deserves to be on someone as beautiful as you.” Thomas whispered softly and slowly kissed Joe right below his ear.

“Thomas…” Joe was at a loss- “I’m just me, I’m nothing special, you don’t even know me and this is really forward, I can’t take this…it’s too much..and-“

Thomas cut him off by licking the shell of his ear. “Just wear it tonight then… for me? Yeah? You can give it back before I take you back home.” Thomas whispered deeply, placing kisses on Joe’s throat while starting to press him into the car from behind. How could Joe say no to that?

“Okay, I will.”

“Say- I will for you, Thomas- want you to say my name.” Thomas commanded.

“I will for you, Thomas.” Joe gulped and then the next thing he knew he was being pulled into the restaurant by the hand.

“That’s my diamond princess.”

 

-

 

Soon after that, they were seated in a corner-booth at the back of the restaurant- which again had white rose petals all around it and had a the same fairy lights on the walls. It looked to be the best seats in the restaurant- or at least the most intimate. The booth was designed to make the couple sitting in it really really close.

Eventually the waiter came up and asked them what they would like to order.

“I’ll order for you.” Thomas said.  Joe was a little upset by this- he can order for himself thank you-but since the menu was in French he decided he can let it slide this once.

After Thomas ordered for the both of them Joe couldn’t help but ask. “How did you afford it?”

“Hmm, afford what?” Thomas asked looking up at him.

“Well, I don’t mean any offense but you said you are a mechanic, and the necklace and this place- it just seems really expensive and…-“

Before he could finish Thomas interrupted him. “Oh, it is expensive. I have another job that helps me out a lot.”

“Oh. What else do you do?” Joe asked.

“That’s a story for our next date.” Thomas laughed moving his hand to pet down the side of Joe’s face.

_‘If we have another date’_ Joe thought to himself.

“Okay.” Joe finally said back as Thomas just laughed at him.

 

-

 

“I can’t get over you Joe. You really could make the moon jealous.” Thomas whispered and then chuckled at Joe’s awkward smile. “Want champagne?”

“Yeah. Why not?” Joe smiled. He needed some alcohol to calm down his nerves.

Soon the food arrived and Thomas ordered the restaurant’s ‘finest champagne’. Thomas must get a lot of money from this ‘other job’. Joe thought as he began to eat the Salad (yeah a fucking salad) Thomas had ordered him stabbing at the lettuce and craving Thomas’s steak.

“Let me see it.” Thomas ordered.

“What? See what?” Joe looked up confused.

“Your fork, baby.” Thomas replied deeply.

 Joe laughed awkwardly. “Okay… why? It just tastes like regular salad if you want to know before you get your hopes up.”

“I don’t want to try it. No. I want to feed you, princess.” Joe choked on his bite- what! Thomas was just sitting there acting like this was a completely normal request. In the middle of coughing Joe decided Thomas must be messing with me.

Laughing a little too loud and very much forced Joe replied. “I think I can handle it, but thanks.” Joe smiled at him nicely.

“I wasn’t asking.” Thomas said and took Joe’s fork from his hand. “C’mon baby- open up for me.” He purred shoving Joe’s fork in his face. Joe stared at him beyond weirded out- having no idea how to handle something like this, Joe opened his mouth. He’s got to be messing with him.

“That’s right. Good boy. Princesses like you shouldn’t have to do any work- let me take care of you, yeah?”

“Yeah…” Joe whispered in shock- not knowing what else to do- he didn’t want Thomas to be cross with him. It was probably just the large amount of champagne getting to them both, anyways. Alcohol tends to make things weird, he thought and then winced thinking back to Caspar.

After feeding Joe a few more bites and finishing off his 5th or 6th class of champagne Thomas softly rubbed his thumb across Joe’s bottom lip.

“Let’s get out of here, baby.”

-

Joe followed Thomas back out to his car. He really wanted to go home, but the champagne and the way Thomas looked at him made him feel special- well feel something and he needed to feel it. So when Thomas pressed him back up against ‘Shelly’ he let him. Joe waited for Thomas to kiss him but Thomas was just staring at him holding him against the car by his wrists. Joe tried to kiss him at some point but Thomas pushed him back down.

“You’re beautiful, baby. I knew as soon as I saw you in the market yesterday- I had to have you like this. Fuckin’ Beautiful.” He stared at Joe for a little while longer before kissing him on the cheek. “C’mon let’s get you back to your sister’s- it’s late.”

Thomas walked Joe to his side of the car and opened the door for him. As he climbed in Joe felt like he had somehow messed up- why was Thomas taking him home. He didn’t even kiss him.

“Did I do something wrong?” Joe asked nervously.

“No of course not, baby. Why do you think that?”

“You didn’t kiss me and you’re taking me home- I just assumed you didn’t fancy me or something.” Joe whispered.

“I just want to take things slow. I don’t want to rush a second with you- trust me baby.”

Joe found himself smiling at Thomas- sure he was a little weird, but he was really sweet and most importantly unlike Caspar he wanted Joe- maybe he can go on a few more dates with him and see where it goes.

-

When they got back to Zoe’s house Thomas walked him to the door.

“Well, tonight was great.” Joe whispered looking down.

“Yeah it was- look Joe…” Thomas started. “I’m sorry if I weirded you out or anything. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date and you make me nervous- if I’m being honest. I just think you’re amazing and I don’t want to mess anything up. Say you’ll see me again. Tomorrow?” Thomas begged.

“Thomas, I had a great time- you’re so kind! I’ll admit I was a little weirded out but mostly because I’ve never been treated so, well, expensively. It’s just not what I’m used to, but I would like to see you again.”

“Tomorrow?” Thomas repeated. “I promise we’ll have a normal date- I will order us pizza and we can watch the telly- completely normal!” Thomas said hopefully.

“Tomorrow.” Joe smiled softly.

Thomas grinned widely and leaned down to kiss Joe softly on the lips. The kiss was long but sweet- no tongue and it was really gentle. Joe’s butterflies returned and stayed until Thomas pulled away and started walking back to his car.

“Goodnight, my diamond princess.” Thomas called out as he got into ‘Shelly’.

After he was gone- Joe walked inside, blushing madly and completely forgetting that he was supposed to return the necklace Thomas had given him.

-

Joe practically skipped as he went to find Zoe and Alfie- to tell them about his very weird- no charming- no interesting night.

“Zoe? Alfie? Where are you guys? You won’t believe the date I just had!” He yelled aloud. He expected them to corner him as soon as he got home with jokes and questions- but when he walked into the living area- the one thing he didn’t expect was Zoe and Alfie sitting on their Sofa with a very tired looking Caspar sitting next to them.

“Caspar?” Joe whispered, wide-eyed and shocked.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Enjoy! Tell me what you think? What do you think about Thomas? Should Joe drop him? and What do you think Caspar will say!? Why is he there? What do you think?  
> Enjoy m'loves! xx


	7. Look, maybe I should just be clear, It sucks not having you here..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Caspar's been doing xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey m'loves! So SO sorry for this late update. My laptop froze and after I got it fixed I was having some personal problems, but don't fret i'm back and i'll be updating more frequently(i hope).
> 
> Enjoy!! and I hope you all haven't forgotten about little me haha xx

7:00

It’s 7pm and Caspar is a nervous wreck- still in his sleep clothes from 2 nights ago, and a missing sock. He’s pacing back and forth throughout his and Joe’s empty flat, again.

“I should call him. I should say I’m sorry and tell him we can forget everything that’s happened.” Caspar said to himself. “Yeah that’s what I’ll do. No... Maybe I should give him more time.”

Caspar groaned as he face-planted his bed, which still smelled like Joe, everything with Joe was confusing. Maybe they just needed a long break from each other maybe that will do them some good. Sure he missed Joe, he missed his soft smile, his wild hair, his lame jokes, his gentle kisses…

“Fuck!” Caspar yelled out- trying to think of anything but Joe. After the message that Joe replied with he’s been out of his head. Joe was right love was worth fighting for… did he love Joe? What was he thinking of course he does, but in the normal way- as a roommate and best mate, or was it more?

 _‘No! Caspar not more.’_ He thought quietly.

Sighing loudly Caspar went to lay in his bed. He didn’t love Joe… not like that. He didn’t. He’s not gay. He’s not. Sighing again louder this time he pulled his phone from his pocket.

He had every intention of calling Joe- he really did, but when he went into his phone’s contacts he couldn’t help but notice Ava’s number with a kiss emoji next to it. Ava was this girl he met at some club a few weeks ago- she took his phone and put her number in it, thinking they had a ‘real connection’ even though they just met. He had to admit though, she was gorgeous! With her wild honey-brown hair, her blue eyes, and her tiny waist. Without thinking he pushed the call button and in a few short rings a bubbly voice answered.

“Hello?” The voice answered.

“Hey.” He replied smoothly.

“Um.. who’s this?” She asked confused.

“Oh! Sorry it’s Caspar remember from the club the other week. Sorry for just now getting to call you, I’ve been super busy.” He rushed out.

“Oh my! Caspar- the blonde cutie who kept making fun of my height. I was hoping you would call.” She giggled.

“Yeah. I’ve been meaning to.” He lied- having no prior intention to call her.

“Well then, would you like go do something?” She asked nervously.

“Now?”

“Yes. Now.”

-

Standing outside of Ava’s house, on her porch- knocking on her ugly yellow door, Caspar felt so odd. What was he doing here? He barely knew her- he should be apologizing to Joe… What would Joe think of him, talking to some girl he met at some club.

 _‘Isn’t that the whole reason you’re here Caspar, to forget Joe- to move on and give Joe some space?’_ He thought to himself. It seemed like a really good idea earlier- but now he suddenly felt bad- like somehow he was betraying Joe. He started to walk away but the door opened.

“Hey cutie!” She smiled.

“Hey Ava. Wow you look great.” It wasn’t a lie she did. She had on a short dress and black panty hose. Her hair was curly and her face was painted with pink lips and dark eyes.

“You can come in, cutie.” She giggled. He really wished she would stop calling him that.

“I thought we were going out?” He asked as he followed her inside.

-

He didn’t know how it happened. One minute she was handing him a beer and the next she was in his lap grinding down on top of him and getting her sticky pink lips all over his face. She laughed it off, but Caspar couldn’t help but be a little annoyed especially when she got it all over Joe’s shirt which he just noticed he was wearing. He pushed her away long enough for him to take in off and fold it neatly.

Once his shirt was off she ran her to soft hands and long pink nails down his chest. Scratching him uncomfortably- following the scratches with kisses. When she finally reached his pants she went to pull down his zipper, but instead got her curls caught in it.

Caspar realized in that moment- she was nothing like Joe. She was too much curves and too much pink. She smelled like candy floss and tasted like bubblegum. Caspar whined as her mouth went around him, thinking how much he missed the way Joe smelled, the way Joe tasted.

‘ _No! Stop thinking of Joe! Bloody hell.’_ He thought angrily.

He pulled her back into his lap and kissed her hard, trying to get Joe from his head- he went to pull off her stockings but ended up ripping them instead. Joe's pants were tight as hell but when he pulled them off his slim hips they didn’t rip. He hoped whatever they were weren’t expensive- he hoped he didn’t have to pay for them.

“That’s so hot.” Was all she said about it- so he went on kissing her neck and started to finger her open.

Fuck he missed Joe.

_‘Joe.’_

He quickly flipped them over and entered her smiling at her moans. After he started moving she pulled his hands to her breasts and he suddenly felt weird like he didn’t want to touch them, like they shouldn't be there. Shaking the feeling off he pulled her nipples and kissed her again.

Thrusting in and out of her felt good, but not as good as Joe, he couldn’t help it when his eyes slipped closed- he saw Joe as soon as they shut- Joe writhing underneath him, Joe whispering sweet things in his ear, Joe kissing his neck and holding onto his shoulders like Caspar was his anchor.

Joe…

Joe… Joe.

When he opened his eyes Ava was looking up at him -not Joe. He cursed under his breath and came with her name on his lips.

-

“Wow. That was amazing.” Ava said laying her head on Caspar’s shoulder.

“Yeah it was.” Caspar replied blankly. Ashamed of seeing Joe. Ashamed of the feeling he was feeling right now. Empty and odd, like something was missing.

“See! I knew we had a good connection” Ava smile up at him.

“Yeah. I guess we do.” Caspar smile back at her. Ava was beautiful, really beautiful. Her makeup was smeared and her dress was off and wow she looked like art. How could Caspar not think of her when they were fucking? She was perfect.

 _‘If she’s so perfect why do I have this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach?’_ He thought softly.

“You can stay over if you want.” She said suddenly nervously and a part of Caspar actually wanted to. He was finally starting to see clearly- this was what was right. Joe would have to understand.

“I wish I could” He started solemnly. “But.. I have to go and talk to one of my mates. Have to clear some things up.”

“Will I see you again?” She asked softly looking away.

“Yes. Please. I would really like that.” Caspar quickly responded. “If you want.”

She answered him with a kiss.

“Soon?” He asked.

“Really soon.”

She eventually walked him to the door and he kissed her deeply. This is what it’s supposed to be like.

_'I’m not gay and she’s beautiful.'_

-

Zoe and Alfie were lazily playing with Nala on their couch when they heard a knock at the door.

Joe had just left 20 or so minutes ago- so it couldn’t be him, unless his date had gone that bad and he forgot his key.

“Who could that be?” Alfie asked.

“I’ll go see- don’t you get up!” Zoe laughed at him.

“Hey…- Caspar! What are you doing here!?” Zoe practically yelled from the door smiling ear to ear at her friend.

“Caspar’s here?” Alfie questioned walking to the door.

“I knew it! I just knew you would come for Joe! I knew it.” Zoe smiled brightly.

“Hey, mate!” Alfie grinned goofily.

“Going to let me in?”

“Oh right yes come in, Casp!” They said in unison.

-

“S’where’s Joe?” Caspar asked looking around for the small boy.

“Oh he’s on a da-…” Alfie began before a small elbow hit him on the side.

“He’s on a.. a mission for me!” Zoe fake laughed. “Sent him out to pick up some things. Is all, right Alfie?”

“OH! Right!” Alfie quickly answered.

-

After what seemed like forever Caspar grew restless waiting for his friend. The longer the wait the more his apology seemed wrong. He was nervous. What if Joe didn’t forgive him? What if he messed up big time? What if that night when he pulled Joe into his room he crossed a line that he can’t come back from?

“So Casp, what have you been up to?” Zoe asked trying to fix the awkward silence.

“Nothing, really. I went a saw Ava today. Remember from the club, Alfie?”

“You went a saw a girl today?” Zoe interrupted with a sour face.

“Yeah- she was great. Real pretty as well, isn’t she Alf? I was thinking maybe I could have something with her.”

“Yeah she was, I-“ Alfie started before Zoe interrupted again.

“I thought you came to see Joe?”

“Um, yeah?” Caspar asked confused. “What does that have to do with me and Ava?”

“Well Caspar Joe really-“ She was stopped mid-sentence when the door opened.

-

“Zoe? Alfie? Where are you guys? You won’t believe the date I just had!” They all heard Joe yell. Zoe did not miss the look on Caspar face when he heard Joe say date.

“Date?” Caspar whispered to Zoe and Alfie harshly. Before they could reply. Joe entered the room- his eyes immediately landed on Caspar- a look of pure hurt washed over him and his eyes looked glossy. Hurt was replaced with a look of shock on his face.

“Caspar?”


	8. there will be tears- i've no doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short-filler-ish Chapter- long chapter coming next!!! 
> 
> xx enjoy m'loves

 

“Caspar?” Joe barely got out.

-

Before Caspar could reply Joe was in his arms standing on his tip toes wrapping his thin arms around his neck.

“Joe.” Caspar whispered softly. Joe was hugging him- Joe wasn’t mad and it felt so good.

‘ _No Caspar_.’ He thought to himself. ‘ _No it doesn't._ ’

As soon as the thought came he pushed Joe away from him awkwardly not noticing the sad look from Joe or the disappointing one from both Zoe and Alfie.

“What are you doing here, mate?” Joe asked quietly- tension in the air.

“Came to talk to you, of course.” Caspar responded thickly, looking down. “You went on a date?”

“Yeah- Thomas, I just met him yesterday- he is really nice actually.”

Caspar wanted to smile at him and tell he congrats but he just felt cold standing there. He was about to ask why Joe was dating guys he just met when his eyes caught site of huge glistening diamonds on Joe's chest- which he's never seen before.

“He give you that necklace?” Caspar asked deeply- an unreadable look on his face.

“Necklace? WOW! Joe that’s really nice- and it looks so expensive. He must really like you.” Zoe chirped happy for him, trying to break through the thick air.

“What necklace?” Joe followed Caspar’s eyes and realized he was still wearing the diamond necklace Thomas had given him.

“Oy! Fuck! I was supposed to give it back to him- I told him I didn’t want it but he insisted- he probably left it on me on purpose- sly bugger.” Joe said with a small smile.

 “Woah- Joe, are they real diamonds!?” Alfie gasped.

“Yeah…? I'm pretty sure.”

“I thought you said he was a mechanic?” Zoe questioned-confused.

“He is- he has another job, and before you ask he hasn’t told me what it is yet.”

“That’s not weird at all.” Alfie joked.

Something then came over Caspar- was it Jealousy? He didn’t know- he didn’t want to know but he didn’t like how it was aimed at Joe and this Thomas guy. Some random arsehole guy who gets Joe stupid pretty things- Caspar had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something changed in him- he had to stop this feeling, immediately- and he kind of instantly regretted his decision to come here- he wished he never came. Not yet, at least. He wanted to run.

“Kind of girly isn’t it?” He gritted out instead and watched as Joe’s smile fell.

“Maybe…”

-

“Casp, I missed you. S’ much.” Joe soon started after the long awkward silence was getting to be to much. “And I’m so sorry for-“

“I was thinking… I just can’t see us going back to normal, at least not yet, Joe...” Caspar rushed out, interrupting Joe. Panicking after having the sudden thought to hold Joe again- to kiss him. He had to get these thoughts out. “I think it’ll be best for us if we had some more time apart…”

“What?” Joe’s eyes swelled up.

“I just mean- well you’re gay… and- can we have this conversation in private?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” Zoe yelled from behind- starting to walk up to them before Alfie held her back.

“We’ll wait in the kitchen- let you guys talk.” Alfie said through gritted teeth.

After they left Joe had to turn away from Caspar to take a deep breath and calm himself down.

-

“Why did you make us come in here, Alfie!?” Zoe whispered loudly from the kitchen.

“Because it’s none of our business, love. They wouldn’t be able to express themselves fully if we were there and I was worried you might have taken Caspar’s head off.” Alfie said light-heartedly. “Besides we should be able to hear everything they say from here.”

They both looked at each other once before putting their ears up to the kitchen door.

-

“Caspar you knew that I was gay when we first moved in…”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think we would fuck.”

“Fuck you.” Joe bit out bitterly. It wasn't just fucking to Joe, it was pure-blinding love. Why did Caspar have to be so crude about it.

“Look… Joe… I- I, well I’m not gay and this isn’t goodbye- no, not at all. Just a little break and I want you to come home. I’m going to try and stay with Ava for a few days- if she’ll have me. You’re still my best mate. I think we- you need some time to realize, best mates is all we can be.”

Joe laughed out bitterly- angrily wiping off the tears that started to fall. “Who the fuck is Ava, huh? Another new girl that you’re going to pretend to be in love with? Really Caspar? If you honestly think that everyone doesn’t already know what a big poof you are, you’re wro-“

He was stopped by a rough shove which made him stumble back a little.

“I’m NOT gay, Joe!!” Caspar was furious. “I’m not some faggot like you. Go home if you want or don’t- I couldn’t care less… get it through your thick head!-I’m not fucking in love with you. Coming here was a mistake- just like fucking you was a mistake. “

Caspar immediately slowed down and softened his voice upon noticing Joe was full on sobbing now hiding his face with one of his hands and holding his side tight with the other one. Hugging himself.

“Joe…”

Another sob shot through the air.

“I’m sorry- Joe… look at me.” Why did seeing Joe like this shatter Caspar? Why did he have the urge to hold him tight- protect him from the world- how was it possible for him to want to stop Joe’s suffering, but at the same time be the one who is causing it?

Why couldn’t he just be normal?

“Please- Look at me, Joe, Please.”

Caspar’s eyes started to swell up when Joe turned his entire body away from him- trying to shield himself from Caspar- why did he have to be such a jackass- Joe didn’t deserve this.

“Just please leave Caspar- Please leave.” Joe shook quietly- breathing hard and holding himself harder than before.

“Joe?”

“I’ll g-go back to the apartment in-in a f-few days, a‘right? Joe whispered softly before quickly disappearing up Zoe & Alfie’s stairs.

Caspar began to follow him, but stopped himself at the foot of the steps.

‘Why do I have to fuck everything up’ He thought as he walked out of Zalfie’s house- feeling lost and ashamed, but mostly feeling extremely quilty and pained from the look on Joe’s face before he turned away from him. He looked so hurt- so betrayed, like Caspar stabbed him- He never wanted to see that look on Joe’s face again. He swears the next time he sees Joe he’ll make everything right- he’ll put a smile on that beautiful face- no on his mate’s face, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to get through to Joe tonight- he knew if he tried he would destroy their friendship which was already hanging by a thread.

So he just left.

-

Zoe was crying softly on the kitchen floor- having eavesdropped on the entire conversation. Poor Joe.

“How could he be so cruel to him?” She asked Alfie who was biting his nails angrily- looking just was upset as she felt. “Joe loves him so much.”

He sat down on the ground with her petting her hair to soothe her. “Should we go up and check on him?”

“No, he doesn’t like for people to see him emotional. He would just send us away. Best just to wait till he is ready to talk.”

“Alright then, let’s go to our room and I’ll run you a nice warm bath.” Alfie smiled as he kissed her head. Bath always made her feel better.

-

Joe laid on the stiff bed for what seemed like hours. The only light coming from a lantern outside, that was shining through Zoe’s ridiculous lacey curtains. He’s never felt this bad before, he stopped crying awhile back, but he didn’t feel right. Every time he tried to get up it was like something was pulling him back down to the bed. He was cold but refused to move to make himself warm- it was like his whole body was on pause, except for the shaking. He felt so empty- so hurt. He missed Caspar already and almost wished he hadn't sent him away.

Why did Caspar say those things? How could Caspar be so harsh with him- all he’s ever wanted was to make Caspar happy- for Caspar to look at him the same way Joe looked at Caspar. Why did he have to love him so much- why wasn’t he enough?

Somewhere nearby he could faintly hear his phone buzzing. It must have been on his bed because his whole body was vibrating along with it. Ignoring it he closed his eyes, hopefully, to get some well needed sleep.

As soon as he started to fall asleep his phone started buzzing again- the buzzes extremely loud in the oh-so-quiet room. What if it was Caspar? Sighing he found his phone and quickly answered without seeing who was calling- since his eyes were shut tightly.

“Ello?” He yawned into the phone, voice drowsy with sleep.

 “You busssy?” Thomas’s deep voice asked sounding a bit slurred.

“A’most was asleep.” Joe mumbled.

“Are you still dressed from earlier?” Thomas asked.

“Yeah, I am, why…?” He just noticed that. He should change into something to sleep in soon.

“Good. That’s good, baby. I’m on my way- I’m picking you up. We’re going out to this club in the next town over. You can see what else I do for a living.”

“What?! Thomas! Now? It’s nearly 2 am.” Joe quickly woke up- surprised- he didn’t realize how late it had gotten.

 “Princess, I’ll be there soon. Be ready to go when I get there.”

“Thomas, wait-“He was cut off by the call ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> itsss so nice to have a working laptop- more updates coming your way. xx


	9. There may be smiles but a few

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shortt short Chapter-
> 
> Very long chapter coming next!!
> 
> Andddd sorry for the late update.

It was 2:56 am and Thomas still hadn’t made it to the ‘Zalfie’ house- and Joe was pacing back and forth through their guestroom fighting off sleep. He was so tired.

‘If he isn’t here in the next few minutes I’m going back to sleep’ Joe thought grumpily, not in the mood for Thomas or anyone really. He just wanted to lay around pity himself and think about Caspar.

Just as Joe sat back on the bed, about to give into the warmth of slumber that was calling to him, his phone buzzed loudly.

**‘I’m outside.’** The text from Thomas read.

Sighing Joe checked himself in the mirror and left the room to sneak by Zoe and Alfie’s bedroom. He felt like a teenager tiptoeing across their carpeted floor. It’s not like he was trying to hide going out with Thomas- he’s a grown man, he can go out whenever he wants. He just didn’t want to disturb their sleep and answer their endless questions.

At least that’s what he told himself.

-

As soon as he walked out their front door he spotted Thomas’s red Thunderbird across the street.

Thomas must have spotted him because he climbed out of his Thunderbird and met Joe at the passenger door.

‘Hey Princessbabyydoll, nice diamonds!’ Thomas laughed deeply while slurring.

“Are you drunk?” Joe laughed with him awkwardly. “And did you drive here? Oh that reminds me here let me give them back to you.”

“No babe! Don’t take it off. I left them on you on purpose.” Thomas smirked and grabbed his hands. “And maybe a little tipsy but of course I drove- had to pick up my baby.” He finished by kissing the top of each of Joe’s hands. “Mmm soft.”

“Thomas…stop.” Joe whispered looking down.

“What for? “

“I can’t take them Thomas- I already told you I couldn’t, it’s too much- and so are the pet names, you barely know me- and I’m not yours, I’m not anyone’s.” Joe rushed out. (His aggravation from Caspar maybe taking over a bit)

It got really quiet and Thomas just smiled lazily at him. Maybe he was too plastered to understand what Joe was saying. Joe felt really uncomfortable- he really wished Thomas would just get mad and leave.

Thomas bent down a little and kissed Joe’s cheek gently. “I understand, and I’m sorry bab- Joe. I give everyone pet names. If you really don’t like it I’ll take it back- I just really liked yah- I’m sorry. I wanted to impress you.”

Thomas looked down and Joe suddenly felt really bad- Here was this guy, who honestly thought Joe was beautiful, a guy who just wanted Joe to like him, who gave him nice things and made him feel good about himself- And Joe was just shutting him down, all because of Caspar.

“Thomas wait- I didn’t mean it to come out that harsh. “I- didn’t you want to go out? I would still like to- if you’ll still have me, I mean?” Joe mumbled.

“Yeah I will- but let’s wait to go to the club another night. I want to show you bring you somewhere else tonight.” Thomas smiled at him.

“Here.” He said while opening the passenger door.

“Should you be driving?” Joe said worriedly as he climbed into the passenger seat.

“Don’t worry I’m fine to drive, baby.”

Joe only softly rolled his eyes at the pet name.

-

They drove for about half an hour- or so- Joe managed to doze off from the long ride, even with Thomas’s drunk jerking of the car, when he re-opened his eyes Thomas was parked next to a little lake.

“Where are we?” Joe yawned as he looked out the slightly frosted window.

 Across the lake was a massive upscale house, more of a mansion really- with off-white walls and enormous pillars (with vines wrapping around them). There was a large balcony above the wide front door. It was huge- it had to be at least 3 or 4 stories. It was one of the nicest houses Joe had ever seen- even nicer than most of the hotels he’s stayed at.

 “My home, of course.”

“Your house! You’re joking?”

“Nope.” Thomas smirked smugly before exiting the car.

Joe stared on in awe until he felt cold air hit his side when Thomas opened the passenger door for him.

“Come on, come look at the inside, baby.”

\----------

The ride home was nauseating- all Caspar could think about was Joe- he missed him so much- he missed the little things- he missed Joe cuddling him on the couch- he missed Joe’s booming laughter- hell he even missed the late night pranks Joe would pull on him. He missed being Joe’s best friend.

After the long travel back to their apartment Caspar rapidly packed a bag and pulled his phone out. He really hoped Ava would let him stay a few days- he needed some time away from Joe- from their apartment. The place where they crossed the line, where they-

She answered on the second ring- Caspar was taken off guard not expecting her to answer so fast.

“Hey Cutie.” She whispered through the phone.

“Hey, Ava.”

“Miss me already?” She beamed shortly after and he couldn’t help but chuckle a little.

“What if I am?”

“Then you should come and see me- I miss you… Cutie.”

Caspar frowned at the name and sighed lightly.

“That’s actually what I was going to call you about, would you mind if I came over… and stayed a few days.” He mumbled the last part- feeling slightly ashamed.

“Oh… Caspar-“  


“It’s okay if you say no! Of course.” Caspar added cutting her off.

“Caspar I don’t mind at all- please do! Oh me, I’ll start cleaning right away. Give me an hour or so to get everything cleaned and ready.”

“Okay.”

-

When Caspar arrived at her house she was waiting at the door in a short fluffy-see through- pink nighty.

“Oh.” Caspar gasped when she pulled him inside by his shirt collar- forcing him to drop his bag.

“Take off your pants.”

“What?”

“Take off your pants, Caspar.” She smiled.

“Oh. Okay!” Caspar replied smiling.

This was right- this felt right. Joe could sod off with Thomas for all he cared. Caspar had Ava.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Kudos and Review if you enjoyed m'loves!! xx
> 
> Again sorry for the long wait, but I have a surprise coming soon-
> 
>  
> 
> (and it might just have to do with a whole new story coming soon!)


	10. A Explaination For My Readers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER THIS IS A EXPLANTION FOR MY READERS

For all of my **readers** , I am so sorry, I know it has been way to long since I last posted anything, and I made some promises I did not keep. I owe you all an explanation.

I was going through some very personal problems. and now I'm just going to throw it out to you all,  I was diagnosed with bipolar II and after a very bad episode of depression I had to go into treatment, it was bad, but it helped me more than I ever thought and now I'm back, better than ever, and yes I'm still struggling and I cant promise not to let you down again, but I will try my hardest to continue with my writings. **Thank you for all the comments and worry. It means a lot.**

 

Now, I have written the next few chapters out. If you all would still like, I will begin to post them again.

I dearly hope I haven't lost any of my interested readers and again I'm sorry for not posting in such a very long time.

_Let me know in the comments,_ if you would like me to continue with this story.

 

**Oceans Of Love, Carazollo**


	11. I'm lyin' down thinkin' 'bout you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar Pov!

 

 

Caspar awoke with a loud humming somewhere behind him. Looking over he saw Ava blow-drying her hair, next to her vanity. She smiled as soon as she saw Caspar’s reflection, awake and yawning. She put down her dryer and turned to face him.

“Would you like a cuppa’?” She asked quietly.

“Not at the moment, sweet.” Caspar mumbled back to her.

The pet name made her smile more and she quickly ran to the bed jumping on him. Kissing his cheek repeatedly. “I want to talk to you about something cutie… would you mind a little chat?” She asked.

“Is something bothering you Ava?” Caspar asked after seeing the smile disappear from her face.

“Well… Cutie… I just wanted to tell you… well I normally never do things like this, I’m not a floosy and I’m actually a very shy person, but you make me so brave, for some reason, and well I- I- I really like you. Caspar, please say you feel the same, tell me I’m not some desperate hookup and….”

Caspar cut off her rambling with a deep kiss. “Ava, I like you as well, maybe even more than you like me. You’re amazing. Really.” They smiled at each other and kissed again.

“How about that cuppa’ now?” Caspar asked, suddenly feeling like he had a lump lodged in his throat.

 

 \----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

They decided to go get lunch. They ended up at some little old looking café.

“You go sit down, I’ll go get the food?” Caspar suggested-after he got her order and kissed her hand, he went to the long line.

Caspar was just thinking of how tired he felt, how he should really order a coffee, when he looked at the people in front of the line and saw him….

His brown hair was sticking up in all different directions and his slim frame was shivering a bit from the cold, Joe? Was Joe here? How could it be!? Cutting line, Caspar quickly went to him. Ignoring the angered customers he cut.

“Joe, what are you doing he…” He stopped when the person he thought was Joe turned to him. It was Joe as all, it was a teenage girl with short hair, a nose ring, and an aggravated look on her face.

She scoffed. “Who’s Joe?! I’m a girl you arse! I don’t even look like a boy, if this is some lame pickup line, you can just go fuck off”

“No, I-I-I-I I thought you were someone else, I wasn’t think-thinking straight, I’m so sorry!” After she rolled her eyes, Caspar looked down and ran away from the line, stopping by Ava.

“Let’s leave.”

“What’s the matter, casp-casp?” She asked.

“Nothing, can please just leave Ava?!” Caspar raised his voice loudly.

 

 \---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

As soon as they got back to Ava’s Caspar pulled Ava to his chest, kissing her hard. Grabbing her breasts and pulling her into her room.

She chuckled, “Feeling frisky again?”

“Always, for you!” Caspar breathed deeply. The lump in his throat growing and almost choking him. Why can’t this be for her, why does his mind keep bringing him back to Joe!? Why can’t he just forget about him!? Why does he keep imagining it was Joe in line, and Joe reaching up, standing on his toes, kissing him hard, but sweet? The same way he did the other night, when they crossed the line. Why does he want to cross the line again?

“Caspar I need to go make us lunch, we can fool around later! Oh, shit I need to run to the shop. I’ll be back in 10 minutes. We can light some candles and take a bath together tonight if you wait.” Ava laughed, grabbing her purse, she winked before leaving.

Lying in bed, the lights off, and Ava gone. Caspar let himself break a little bit, biting his lip, his eyes watered. His head was pounding with thoughts of Joe.

Joe’s fucking amazing lips, Joe’s talented hands, Joe’s kindness, Joe’s adoration for him, Joe’s body, Joe’s warmth.

He turned over, ignoring the bulge in his pants and tried to make himself sleep but that wasn’t working... he gave in, remembering Joe’s rapid breaths in his ear.

He slowly reached into his sweatpants.

“Fuck... Joe”

 

 \----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

He finished and Ava still wasn’t back, he felt ashamed, he felt disgusted by himself. He started to tear up again, sharp angered whines falling from his mouth. The lump in his throat was gone, but fuck he needed it back. He needed to be normal, to love Ava. Why did Joe have to ruin everything for him!? Why did Joe have to fuck up things so bad. Fucking joe.

He punched a wall- he screamed into a pillow. He wanted to kiss Joe- no! wait He wanted to punch Joe. How could Joe do this to him! To think he had actually felt bad about yelling at him the day before. He hated Joe, and he hated Thomas even more. Why was Joe making him feel so much at once?

Angrily he typed out a message to Joe.

_‘You fucking ruined everything’_

He pressed send and felt instant regret, but before typing out an apology, he heard Ava coming through the door.

“I picked us up some sandwiches and bubble bath!?” She yelled through the small home. “Caspar, cutie?”

Caspar smiled and threw his phone into his bag.

“Coming, love!”

The lump returned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment - and Enjoy!! Tell me what you think!   
> Love, Carazollo xx


	12. There's nothing like this type of view

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe enters Thomas's house

“Come on, come look at the inside, baby.”

Joe walked inside Thomas’s house, through the mansion’s wide front door, and his breath left him. He stood in a large foyer next to Thomas and after a short walk his feet met with thick dark-red carpet that ended at two sets of glossed-black staircases. The stairs seemed to go up and up and up, but he couldn’t see all the way up them because it was too dark. There were vases with dying flowers in different corners of the room and there was a large metal chest with a lock on it between the staircases. He finished scanning the room and looked up at the crystal chandelier, it had touches of red.

Joe didn’t feel worthy to stand under it, he suddenly felt small. He looked at Thomas.

“Wow.” Joe said quietly.

“Yeah, it’s not so bad, huh, is it?” Thomas laughed. He put his arm around Joe’s waist and walked him further in. “Don’t be shy on me now, baby.”

“Is there a certain reason, you’ve brought me to this palace of yours?” Joe smiled.

“Why of course. I’m going to make my princess some breakfast, it must be morning by now!” Thomas clapped excitedly.

Joe rolled his eyes at the pet names, but breakfast sounded nice, Joe still felt hungry after the salad Thomas ordered for him.

 

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

After Thomas pulled him through a maze of different rooms. They finally ended up in the kitchen. The counters were all black and the floors were white&black tiled.

Thomas crouched down to pull out a various assortment of pans and pots.

“What are you making us then, something fancy?” Joe asked.

“I like that!” Thomas jump up. “I’m making **us** some French toast. So, fancy.”

“What?” Joe laughed. “What do you like?”

“The way you say **US** , of course! Now I hope you’re ready to get sticky.” Thomas wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Oy, shut it!” Joe laughed more.

 

 ----------------------------------------------------------

 

Joe watched Thomas cook while sitting on his countertop. They joked and laughed a lot especially when Thomas kept trying to get flour and syrup in Joe’s hair and on his rosy face.

Thomas then tried to get some on the very tip of his nose, but when Joe turned away from the maple-scented finger, Thomas missed and the gob of thick syrup ended up on Joe’s upper-lip.

They both chuckled for a bit before Thomas all the sudden rapidly pushed Joe’s legs apart to stand between them, put a hand in his hair, the other grasping his chin tightly and lifting it up. Thomas kissed him roughly, licking the syrup off. The hand in Joe’s hair moved to his small hip, holding on hard.

Joe was shocked by the sudden closeness, he watched Thomas’s closed eyes for a few seconds before closing his own and letting out a little moan when Thomas bit his bottom lip. He tasted copper.

Thomas pulled away as quickly as he started. “Whoa, wow, fuck I’m sorry you’re bleeding, fuck, I don’t know what came over me.” He laughed a little. “I didn’t mean to rush anything or bite so hard. Um, why don’t we eat?!”

Joe felt a line of blood run down to his chin. He wiped it away with his sleeve and smiled. “Don’t worry you have nothing to be sorry for. It didn’t even hurt, I didn’t even feel it! I promise. Eating does sounds lovely though, I’m starved.” Joe pulled Thomas back between his spread thighs and kissed him softly.

“Well then, great! let’s eat at the breakfast nook.” Thomas suggested. The Breakfast nook was large and fancy as well, which didn’t surprise Joe at this point. It was a huge curved-white sofa with a clean glass table sitting in front of it. Connected to the sofa was a large window that was cushioned almost like a bed.

They sat crisscross on the window-bed-thing and ate quietly while watching the first lights appear in the sky. Joe managed to eat one piece of French toast before closing his eyes for a bit too long. He heard Thomas move the plates to the table before he slowly was dragged into Thomas’s lap. Joe couldn’t stay awake any longer and fell asleep on Thomas’s shoulder.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The first thing Joe noticed when he woke up was the sunlight shining brightly in his eyes and warmth touching his face. Confused he sat up slowly.

 _‘Oh, that’s right I fell asleep with Thomas’_ He thought. _‘I wonder what time it is’_

While pulling out his phone from his pocket he noticed Thomas wasn’t still asleep, he actually didn’t see him at all. Shrugging he checked his phone for the time.

“Shit!” He cursed under his breath. It was after 2pm. “Fuck!” He cursed again seeing all the missed calls and messages he had. There were 6 missed calls from Zoe, 4 from Alfie, 1 from Oli (he didn’t know what the bloody hell that was about), and 2 from Jim and Tanya (he’ll just count them as one)

He has 4 messages from Zoe.

_‘Where did you run off to brother dear??’_

_‘Did you go back home?’_

_‘You with Caspar?’_

_‘I’m worried. Call me back’_

He had one from Alfie.

_‘Call Zoe please, she’s rather worried mate’_

One from Jim.

_‘You had a date! How great! Whoopee! Who’s the lucky gal or pal?!’_

Joe laughed at that one making his lip bleed again, ignoring the slight pain from it he answered Zoe and Alfie back to tell them not to worry, he was with Thomas.

Speak of the devil, he also had another message from Thomas.

_‘Had to run to a meeting, I’ll be back as soon as I can! Make yourself at home, I’ll return you to your sister’s flat when I get back.’_

And the last message was from Caspar…

_‘You fucking ruined everything’_

Joe threw his phone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Either next chapter or the one after next, there may or may not be some time skipped/jumped... what do you think? Do you like the slow build or should we speed things along just a little faster?


	13. I am the ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short Chapter, more of a filler chapter! Longer chapter will come next,  
> Thank you all for the support and I hope I didn't lose any followers with the wait.  
> This chapter has a little bit of background/insight on Thomas

_‘You fucking ruined everything’_

Joe threw his phone.

\--

Joes shouldn’t have thrown his phone, he knew that. It was now broken into thirds and Joe had no other way to contact anyone, but at this point in time he didn’t care. He wanted to just stay in this fantasy world with Thomas, as long as he could, in this castle of a house he had- where Caspar couldn’t hurt him anymore. He’s just glad he got to answer Zoe back before he destroyed his phone.

He felt like screaming, but he decided to get up and explore Thomas’s house, instead. Since he would probably be trapped here until Thomas returned. He had no idea how Thomas got here since he slept on the way and from the looks of it Thomas lived in the middle of nowhere. No neighbors.

The house was huge, and as excited as he was to find out more about his ‘boyfriend’, he hoped Thomas wouldn’t be bothered by his snooping.

As Joe walked back into the foyer he felt out of place, just being here felt like a weird dream, he didn’t belong here. Sighing, he tried to get those thoughts from his head- he walked over to the huge metal chest that sat menacingly between the black stairs. The hatch on it was currently unlocked, and Joe couldn’t stop himself from opening it. He felt a little disappointed when he noticed it was empty, besides the small holes cut throughout the sides, and the red velvet bottom. Then also noticed by trying to move it, that it was bolted to the ground.

While closing the chest, questions started building up in Joe’s head.

He gets intrigued by the oddness of it all, and wonders if he’d be crossing boundaries by going up the stairs, what if Thomas arrived back just as he got up the stairs? Would he throw Joe out? End whatever they had going?

No, he wouldn’t go up, he would just go back to the breakfast nook and wait for Thomas to get back. Nothing good ever came from being curious.

Who was he kidding? He didn’t even make it 2 feet in the direction of the kitchen before changing routes and walking up the stairs. He needed to keep moving to keep his mind off Caspar.

_“Caspar… I miss him.”_ He thinks to himself, _“No! Fuck Caspar! Well, I did fuck Caspar and that’s how I got into this mess.”_

_‘You fucking ruined everything’_ continued to echo in his mind.

Caspar wasn’t wrong, he did ruin everything, this was all his fault, but he just couldn’t let go of that night, of Caspar. He wanted him more than anything else in the world, and that was all his fault. He should have never given into Caspar. Caspar had every reason to hate him now. He just wanted his friend back.

\--

His racing thoughts ended as he reached the top of the stares. The only source of light was from the windows, which were covered in red curtains- it gave the room a red glow and Joe was entranced. There were two halls one to his left and one to his right. They were both bare, the only furniture in them were tall-thin tables leading down both corridors. On these tables were more clear vases full of dead flowers. The flowers used to be roses, Joe thinks, the thorns deflating on them were his only clue. Joe laughs to himself, why doesn’t Thomas just throw them out?

He decides to go left, since he walked up the right staircase. That doesn’t make sense, he knows, but he needs to keep stalling his mind away.

Joe tries to open the first few doors he comes by but they are all locked, ‘how odd’, he thinks. By the time he gets to the last door he’s given up hope, but when he turns the knob there is no resistance, smiling to himself he pushes it open.

He doesn’t know how he feels about the room, its blue. No, really, everything in the room was blue. The floors, walls, ceiling, furniture, mattress, vase, dead flowers, lights- it was all painted blue. Some of the paint was cracking and there were spots of distinct colors throughout the small space. There were multiple cans of blue paint in the corner. Joe walked over to the bed and let his hand sink into the still wet paint on top of it. When he pulled his hand off the blue came with it, concealing the lines on his palm. Plush white in the shape of a hand print giving away of his exploration and prying. He started to panic, ready to repaint and destroy the evidence, when he heard a soft laugh behind him.

“Oh- Thomas! I- I didn’t mean-” He stammered at Thomas from across the room.

“Sorry to startle you, I messaged you I was on my way back, but I guess you didn’t get that?” Thomas laughed more holding out Joe’s crumbled phone.

“Uh, yeah, I dropped it.” Joe said, before hiding his hand behind his back (trying to wipe the paint on the inside of his shirt) using the other hand to gesture around the room, “Sorry for wandering around, but I’ve got to ask, why is everything blue?”

Thomas walked over at Joe and ran his hands through his hair before kissing his cheek. “It’s kind of personal, but I feel like I can tell you anything, baby. Don’t worry though I won’t bore you with too much detail.” He continued nuzzling into Joe’s neck- breathing him in.

Joe’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest.

“I didn’t have a good childhood or past. I saw so much red, felt so much rage. Even the house is covered in red, I needed a contrast, someplace to take me away, to be calm. Hell, I used to go to the ocean and stick my head underwater until I blacked out, this felt like the safer option.” Thomas kissed his shoulder before pulling away and placing his hand on the back of Joe’s neck- guiding him to the door. “Don't think about it, it was all in the past, I was going through a dark time, I haven’t been in this room in years.”

Joe smiled reassuringly at Thomas. The recently wet paint felt heavy on his hand, but the despair in Thomas’s eyes made him file it in the back of his mind- he leaned into Thomas’s gentle touch.

“Maybe someday you can tell me about it, with the details.” Joe said as Thomas closed the door behind them.

“I’d like that princess.” Thomas smiled warmly- starting to walk back down the corridor. “Let’s get you home for now though. I have to go back to work in a bit.”

\--

“Thomas…” Joe stopped him, when they reached the grand front door. “I just wanted to say, you’re so fascinating and unique, I’ve never met anyone like you, you’re just incredible and- “

Thomas shut him up by bending down and kissing him hard. The cut on his lip hissing at the intensity of it.

“Fuck, baby, when I’m near you, it’s like you’re the ocean, pure but still so fucking blue just like that room, I can’t get enough- why do I feel like you’re going to ruin me?” He kissed Joe again.

Joe whimpered.

_‘You fucking ruined everything’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think, I'm not so sure about this chapter... but I really wanted to get it out there for you guys! Your comments and kudos keep me going!  
> Love,  
> Carazollo


	14. You Are The Shark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little insight on Joe's past, feelings, and some glorious Zalfie

_“Fuck, baby, when I’m near you, it’s like you’re the ocean, pure but still so fucking blue just like that room, I can’t get enough- why do I feel like you’re going to ruin me?”_

_-_

Joe’s head was reeling, he returned to Zoe’s house hours ago (greeted with a million questions, annoying lecturing, and multiple hugs), but was to in his head to care about any of that. He didn’t understand Thomas, but he was intrigued by him. He couldn’t deny it.

Thomas had a way of drawing him in yet making him feel on edge. The most important thing though was Thomas made him forget about Caspar. Which he needed, especially in this moment.

He was currently walking up and down the hallway in front of the guest room Zoe lent him. She had called him down to eat exactly 33 minutes ago. Which he knows because he’s looked down at his phone’s clock every minute since. He was far away from hungry, in fact, just the thought of food made him ill.

This wasn’t a good thing for him.

He’s been here before.

In the worst times of his life, Joe’s been here.

Repelling food, refusing to eat, it gives him the control over nerve-wracking, soul crushing, situations he gets himself into.

It first started in primary school, when the older kids started to steal his homework and shove him in lockers. It got worse when he came out in, in secondary school. He only ate on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays then.

Then everything changed; he met a kind ginger boy, with soft freckles, thick red glasses, and crazy curly hair, his name was Crispin (which was an oddly fitting name), he was also the first boy Joe ever kissed.

And he was very similar to Thomas, Joe remembers.

-

Crispin Jason Hampton, was his full name and Joe was smitten. They were both young and unsure what they were doing, but looking back on it, Joe knew it was love or could have been if they were older.

Crispin seemed shy and sweet, but on the 12th day of classes he marched straight up to Joe and held his hand in front of the whole gymnasium. They were together as a "couple" by the end of that day.

-

Crispin put flowers in Joe’s hair and brought him homecooked lunches. He made sure Joe ate them as well. Which ended up making Joe eat every day, except Sundays. It was completely normal, Joe told himself.

And he liked Crispin so much. As much as he liked Thomas now.

-

He even liked Crispin on his bad days. Which were rare, because there was no one as kind as Crispin on his good days.

and really, everyone has bad days.

On these bad days of Crispin's; he would start fights with the older kids- beat them until they had bloody noses and he would trip girls or pull up their skirts. He thought it was either funny or justifiable, Joe thought it was mean.

-

One day during lunch, he confessed to Joe that he was ill. Joe gasped and covered his face with his oversized sleeves. This made Crispin laugh so hard he teared up. He told Joe that he wouldn’t catch anything off him, that he was ill in the head. Joe didn’t believe him and told him that he always catches whatever Zoe has. Crispin didn’t explain it any further, just laughed some more and kissed Joe’s nose.

Joe wishes he could've understood it back then, everything would have been different if he had.

They were together a while, and Joe thought it would be forever. Young love always seems like forever.

-

It was Joe’s 14th birthday and it was lunch time, one of his favorite times of the day now. Crispin would feed him and kiss his cheek, curse anyone who would call them names. He could hardly make it through the morning, just wanting to be with his curly-headed mess- maybe Crispin would even bring him a cake.

When he arrived at their usual sitting spot, outside in the short grass on the edge of the building, Crispin was nowhere to be found though. Joe found this odd.

He wasn’t there the next day, or the next, or the next, or the following month, or 3 months after.

He just **_vanished_.**

_Joe thought that they would be together forever._

_-_

After Crispin was gone, Joe didn’t eat on Sundays, or Fridays, or Wednesdays, or any other day during the week. He stopped eating altogether and when that wasn’t enough he tried to make himself throw up using his fingers, he couldn’t do it and out of rage his smashed his hand with a conditioner bottle. His hand was battered blue and purple, red welts rising on the knuckles.

And when the swelling  **vanished** , it made him think of Crispin again.

but

He could make more.

-

It became an addiction of his for years after.

Starving himself. Putting marks on his skin. It was the only thing that helped the aches in his chest.

It had gotten so bad, he ended up in the hospital. The look on his families faces was enough to make him want to stop, especially Zoe's face. She blamed herself for not noticing and it took him a long time to convince her it wasn't her fault.

but that didn't stop the urges that kept coming or the nauseated feeling he got when anyone would watch him eat.

-

When he met Caspar that all changed though, Caspar made him want to get better. He ate huge amounts of food with him and didn't even think about it. When he was hurting, he would go to Caspar for hugs and advice- instead of hurting himself.

Caspar was the only person to ever make Joe want to be more, to be healthy and happy. Caspar made him feel sane.

He missed Caspar so much.

He really did ruin things.

Why did he ruin things?

-

“Joe, what on earth is taking so long, man!” Alfie yelled from the bottom of the stairs. The echo of it made Joe shake with anger for an unknown-irrational reason. “Zoe won’t let me eat until you sit with us!” Alfie laughed,

“I’m not coming, just fucking go on without me!” Joe yelled back, harsher than necessary.

“Geez. Okay, man.”

Upset with himself Joe ran to his current room, frantically, he looked for anything to stop the thoughts bubbling inside of him.

He wishes he didn’t break his phone, all he wanted was to hear Caspar’s voice, to tell Caspar that yes, he ruins everything, but ‘fuck you for saying so’. Beg him for forgiveness, anything to just see his dumb large smile again. To have their old relationship back- for Caspar to take away these horrible feelings.

He wanted Caspar-

Or

He wants Thomas to take him back to his mansion, to pretend everything was okay, for as long as possible. He needed Thomas's spontaneous energy now, why did he have to come back here anyways.

He grabs the nearest thing to him, which happens to be some ugly porcelain-white rabbit decoration, he smashes it against his hand until he sees blood, the rabbit’s head has vanished, the sharp edges of the neck is red, he throws it away from him in horror.

What has he done?

-

“Joe.” He hears Zoe whisper through the door. “Are you okay?”

He doesn’t answer. Just stares at his bruised-cut hand. In horror- he was doing so good. He was better than his.

“Joseph.” She calls outs more firmly. “I heard glass shattering.”

“I’m okay.” He tries to answer her, but he can barely hear himself, his voice cracking. “I’m fine.” He says again louder this time. “Just dropped a mug.”

“Unlock the door? Let me help clean up?” She asks going back soft but still firm.

“No.” He rushed out. “I’ve got it covered. I’m not dressed, be-because I was about to go to- sle- sleep.”

“Okay. Well Alfie and I will be down stairs if you need us for anything.” She whispers, facing the stairs.

She turned back and rested her forehead against the cold door. “Joe, I know things seem bad right now, and I know you’re hurting, even if you won’t admit it. Just don’t run away from us okay? We were so worried when you were gone with Thomas. It was like you just **_vanished_** or something. Just tell us when you leave next time, yeah?”

Joe tightly wraps up his hand with one of his tops.

“Goodnight Zoe.”

-

“I don’t think Joe is handling it well.” Zoe says somberly next to Alife in downstairs- Nala on her lap.

“Handling what well?”

“His and Caspar’s breakup, of course.”

“Zoe. They were never together, so they didn’t break up, and they can’t stand being apart from one another. They’ll make up eventually, I’m sure of it. Maybe they will even get together, for real, if Caspar can get the balls.”

“You don’t understand.” Zoe sighs. “Joe doesn’t handle things like this well. He bottles it all up and then explodes. He’s a ticking time bomb. I don’t understand how Caspar can be so cruel to Joe, anyhow. He thoughtlessly loves him.”

“Love, you’re rambling. Caspar is in denial, is all Zoe. He has it in his mind that it isn’t okay for him to be with a guy. Which sucks, because it’s nothing to be ashamed of and I hate that he feels conflicted, but neither we or Joe can force him to make such a tremendous change. He has to do it on his own or not at all.”

“Such wisdom from one so young.” Zoe smiled lovingly at Alife, snuggling tightly into his side and kissing his shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

-

Alfie was awakened by a rhythmic knock at the downstairs door.

5:45 AM.

He was not in the fucking mood or awake enough to deal with anyone.

Deciding to ignore it, he rolled on his side- facing Zoe.

5 minutes later, there it was again.

“Alf.. ans..wer…bell…door” Zoe mumbled sleepily next to him. Her hair a beautiful rat's nest.

“They’ll go away.” He insisted.

The knocking insisting harder and louder.

"Babbbeeeeee" She groaned with her face now nuzzled in Alfie's pillow.

Sighing heavily, he used all his will power to walk down the stairs and to the door. His eyes were still glued together by sleep so he bumped into all their furniture.

The knocking was getting impatient, by the time he swung the door open he was fuming.

“Can I help you?” He grumpily asked the distorted face in the door.

“Joe’s sister’s boyfriend? Righttt?” The man asked. “I came by to see Joe, he broke his phone, so I couldn’t message him. Wow! You look better without a shirt”

Thomas came into focus.

“What?! Oh, Thomas. Here to see Joe. Makes sense. It’s Alfie, by the way.” He told himself aloud. Looking down at his shirtless form. "and um- I was sleeping. Why are you here at nearly 6am, though?” He asked Thomas.

“I bought him a new phone, came by to give it to him before I go to work. Sleep is just a waste of time anyways. Sorry for waking you, but now you can be productive. I'm joking, of course- you should totally get some more sleep. I just really need him- to see him.”

“Well- um-I can go wake him- tell him you're here- um…- “Alfie began before Thomas stopped his awkward talking by putting his hand up in off-hand manner.

“No need! I’ll go to him. What room is he in?”’

Alfie stared bewildered by the arrogant way he was silenced. “Oh, um, he, well he’s up the stairs to left. Not hard to find.”

“Thanks- uh, man.” Thomas patted Alfie's arm before walking towards the stairs- out of view.

“It’s Alfie.” Alfie called out to him.

-

Joe was startled awake by soft kisses on the back of his neck. He started to rise up.

“It’s just me.” He recognized Thomas’s voice immediately. It calmed him. Thomas pushed him back down.

“What are you doing here?” Joe yawns. Stretching a bit.

“Bought you a new phone. I can’t stand not being able to contact you. Plus, I missed you already.”

He felt Thomas's smile on the back of his neck and his small laugh made Joe's hair tickle his ear.

-

They laid there in silence for a while before Thomas finally asked the question Joe was waiting and dreading for.

“What happened to your hand?”

It was no longer wrapped up in his shirt; the makeshift bandage must have fallen off in his sleep. It looked worse in the morning light. Swollen and a rainbow colors.

“Oh- that- it's nothing, I just dropped something of Zoe’s on it. It looks horrible- I know, but it’s not that bad.”

“No.” Thomas stated. “It’s beautiful. You’re so fucking beautiful, baby. There are even some blue hues on it.” Smiling, he eased Joe’s shirt down his back a bit and kissed the top of his boney spine repeatedly before heavily laying his head back down and pulling Joe tightly against his body. Whispering in his ear, “My blue boy.”

Joe felt tears in his eyes and he didn’t understand why, why was he like this? Why was he such a mess? He didn’t even know if it was from sadness or because of how incredible it felt to have someone to lay with. Someone who liked him, who could love him. He thinks he could love Thomas as well, one day. Maybe not as much as he loves Caspar, but more than he ever loved Crispin. He doesn't deserve Thomas's love and he doesn't want ever want to ruin this.

“Thomas?”

“Yes, m’love?”

“Please, don’t **_vanish_** on me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks you for the love and support! Enjoy this chapter and more coming your way! I've caught a creative bug recently and I really want to take this story far.


	15. when he comes and he goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ummmm just some Zalfie + Joe and Thomas
> 
> drama  
> drama  
> drama  
> +  
> awkward breakfast?

Joe woke up to loud knocking at the guest room door.

“Joe! Hey bud! Zoe and I are going out to get some breakfast. I saw Thomas’s car out front, do you guys want to come with us?”

Looking over his shoulder, he saw Thomas awake. “It’s up to you. I’m not hungry, but it’s something to do.”

Thomas smiled wide and kissed Joe’s shoulder. “Yeah let’s go.”

“Yeah we’ll come!” Joe yelled to the door that Alfie stood behind.

“Be ready in 30 Minutes.” Alfie calls back.

“I’m going to hope in the shower.” Joe whispered, trying to bring back the softness of morning. “I’ll be right back.” He leaned down and kissed Thomas deeply, barely parting and lips still touching he whispered even more quietly. “Thank you, Thomas, for staying with me last night.”

Thomas pulled on Joe’s lower lip with his teeth. “Princess. I hope to stay with you always. Now go get your shower, before I pull you down to lay with me again.”

-

Joe walked back into the room refreshed for the day- wearing grey jeans and a plain white T-shirt.

While trying to towel dry his hair with the hand that wasn’t busted up, Joe noticed Thomas standing next to the next holding some of Joe’s clothes.

“I picked these out for you to wear.” Thomas says with a wide grin.

“Oh, is there something wrong with what I put on?” Joe looks down at his clothes confused.

“No, babe. Not really. You would just look so amazing in this. I know you would.”

“Okay, I’ll change.”

“Your hand is hurt. Let me help.” He walks to Joe and hurriedly pulls his shirt over his head. Joe doesn’t comment when Thomas stags his hurt hand in the process.

Thomas then gets down on his knees and pulls down Joe’s jeans. Leaving Joe clad only in his tight black pants. Joe feels embarrassed standing there with his jeans around his ankles. He has the urge to cup his hands over his privates.

Thomas chuckles down below for some unknow reason before kissing the side of Joe’s right thigh and squeezing the flesh of the inside of Joe’s left thigh.

“That’s funny. I figured your thighs would be bone thin. There not though.” Joe flinches at the words. They used to be bone thin. He can make them bone thin again.

Thomas stands up then. Tall above Joe.

Joe looks up at him and notices Thomas breathing hard. Clearly affected by the scene that’s playing out.

“Well, kick the jeans off your feet. Don’t just stand there. Here.” He grabs the ripped black skinny jeans he picked out for Joe.

Joe goes to put a leg in as Thomas holds them steady at his feet.

“No.” Thomas scolds. “Put your left leg in first.” Joe does as he says which makes Thomas breathe harder.

“Okay, now your top, baby.”

The top he picked was a soft emerald sweater that is a few sizes too big for him, it almost falls off one of his shoulders and it covered his hands.

Casper bought it for himself, decided it didn’t suit him, and gave it to Joe. It still smelled like Caspar though.

Why was Casper connected to everything involving Joe? Why did Caspar have to follow him everywhere?

“I don’t know about that top, Thom-“

“Joe. Just let me put it on you, already!”

“Okay, Thomas.”

Once he lets Thomas slide the shirt on him. It immediately slips down his shoulder. Thomas kisses the spot where it should be.

“You’re so fucking pretty, Joe.” Thomas kisses up his neck. “My pretty baby boy.” He reaches Joe’s ear and sucks on the side of it. “My-…”

“Joe! We’re ready to go!” Alfie calls out.

-

Sitting in the little Café is awkward to say the least. Zoe is nibbling on a bagel looking back and forth between Joe and Thomas. More specifically Joe's bruised hand. She doesn't say anything about it though- maybe she still thinks it from when he said he broke that mug. Alfie is stuffing his mouth full of raisin oatmeal. Thomas is drinking some coffee with one hand on Joe’s knee- his other hand gently caressing the shoulder out of the emerald sweater Thomas put him in.

Caspar's sweater.

Caspar.

Fucking Caspar.

Joe’s just trying to focus on keeping his stomach from growling. He took sick pride in his empty stomach. Caspar would disapprove, which made Joe never want to eat again.

Caspar said he ruined everything. Might as well ruin himself.

Joe knows he shouldn't let these thoughts back into his head, but he finds comfort in them. They were as comfortable as Thomas's callused touches.

“You sure you don’t want anything to eat Joe?” Zoe questions him. “Want the rest of my bagel?” She holds it out to Joe, like she knows what he's up to, but she can't possibly know, he's better now, not the sick boy he used to be.

“No thanks, Zoe. I’m still to sleepy to eat.” He lies. He worries she might call him out, he used one of the same excuses he did when we was young. She doesn't say anything else about it though. He's safe, for now.  

All the sudden Joe notices Alfie not shoveling down food, but staring intently down at his phone under the table. Joe’s about to joke about Alfie being Instagram obsessed when Alfie looks up and stares straight at him.

“Joe. I’m going to go buy some things from the counter. Come help me carry them, yeah?”

Alfie is not subtle in trying to get Joe alone, but Joe agrees anyways. “Yeah, sure.”

Before he leaves Thomas squeezes his leg almost painfully,a sweet painful, before letting Joe get up.

-

Zoe sits across from Thomas now. She is extremely curious about what Alife and Joe are going to talk about, but she also wants to take this time and get to know Thomas.

“So, Thomas, what is it that you do?”

“Uh-Mechanic. I work on rare cars.”

“Oh, that’s fascinating. Your car is very cool. Did you fix it yourself?”

“Her. You call cars her/she.” He corrects. “and yes, I fixed her. She’s a beauty. Just like you and Joe. You guys almost look like twins.” Thomas licks his bottom lip. “Has anyone ever asked you to stand naked side by side to examine the similarities?”

“What?” She goes red. “No- what do you mean- we don’t look alike, um, thank you?” She’s fumbling over words feeling extremely uncomfortable.

“Zoe. I’m joking.” Thomas laughs dryly.

“Oh! Very funny. Wow, you had me going there for a second.” Zoe laughs anxiously with him.

“I wasn’t joking about you and him being beautiful though.”

Zoe just smiles and looks to Alfie and Joe trying to bring them back by staring.

-

Alfie ushers Joe to a deserted corner next to the counter.

“What’s up Alfie?” Joe questions while looking back to see Zoe and Thomas talking and getting along. Good he thinks.

“It’s Caspar.”

“What about him?” Joe rolls his eyes.

“He’s texted me, he wanted to know why you’re not answering your messages. I told him you’re phone broke. He wants to talk to you, he said he said something he regrets and he’s ready to make up. Joe, I really think you should call him when we get back.”

“No.”

“Joe, come on, he-“

“I said no, Alfie.”

“He feels horrible.”

“So, do I. Look Alfie, I just need some time. I’ll get out of your and Zoe’s hair if that’s what this is about, but I can’t pretend everything is fine. Not anymore.”

“You know Zoe and I don’t care if you stay with us. I really think you should talk to him though, but I won’t bugger you about it.”

“I can’t move on when he comes and he goes. I feel like I can barely get away from him when he’s not here. He’s in everything I do.”

Alfie stood dumbfounded. This was the most Joe’s ever opened up to him. It was odd and he felt like he didn’t have the right words.

Instead of comforting Joe, like he knew he should have, Alfie just put a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s go stop Zoe from telling Thomas all the embarrassing stories from when you were kids.” Alfie patted Joe’s back disappointed in himself as Joe nodded and walked away.

-

They sat back down with Zoe and Thomas. Zoe looked a tad anxious. She kept messing with her hair and picking the skin off her bagel.

Thomas kissed Joe’s hand when he sat back down. Staring curiously at Joe’s face.

“What was that about? I thought you were buying something?”

“Oh well… decided against it. Didn’t have any cash on me.” Alfie lied, horribly.

“Oh, I see.” Thomas frowned a bit, then ran the pad of his thumb across Joe’s cheek bone. “I’ve just noticed, but you and Zoe have the same freckle on your cheek. It’s barely there, but it’s nearly identical.” Thomas chuckled at this like it was some inside joke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Long time no post. Sorry! life just gets so out of hand. 
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER WILL HAVE SOME CASPAR POV
> 
> GET EXCITED MATES
> 
> please let me know what you think! your comments give me life I swear!


	16. House of God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter skips a little bit of time, don't worry, just a bit.   
> Caspar's POV
> 
> Next chapter will be the same scene but in Joe's POV

Seven empty bottles rattled loudly somewhere nearby his feet. The one in his hand had grown warm ages ago from a sweaty grip. Caspar could hold his liquor as well as his emotions. They both burned inside his gut- making his liver scream out through his throat, but he swallowed it down as he continued to watch Joe, outside on the porch, between the gaps of Ava and Zoe dancing together.

Joe… Joe sitting with legs intertwined with Thomas. Thomas with his lips pressed roughly against the soft flesh of Joes temple.

Joe was a temple, the house of God, a fucking shrine made by benevolent spirits. He was carved of marble and painted in perfect detail. Joe was the kind of enigmatic that brought clarity and Caspar couldn’t take his eyes away- even as he chugged down warm beer- making him nauseous.

Joe made him nauseous. He was making Caspar sick. Or maybe it was Thomas’s laugh as he rolled tobacco on thin white paper. Making it stick together with the same saliva he dared to put in Joe’s heavenly mouth. His best friend’s mouth. Ex best friend?

Zoe had this “grand” idea to throw a gathering of sorts. To reconnect everyone and make things like it used to be. Things could never go back to the way they were.

It had barely been 4 weeks since Caspar started dating Ava, but his life was changed completely. He was beginning to fall in love with her, really, he was. She was the perfect girl. The whole room stared at her as she suggestively grinded her small waist against Zoe’s side. Caspar was positive Oli was going to pass out any second from watching them and not breathing.

Alfie was sitting next to him, grinning ear to ear, “Lucky, aren’t we?” He asked.

“Uh, yeah.” Caspar slurred as he glared at Thomas lighting the fag between Joe’s parted lips.

“You okay? You’ve been knocking those drinks back over here.” Alfie asked with a knowing concern hidden behind his confronting smile.

Caspar wanted to _knock_ the look of his stupid face. “It’s a party, innit?”

Before he could tell Alfie to politely fuck off, so he could continue to sulk in Joe’s poor life choices Jim plopped down on his other side. “Ava, that girl, is incredible!” He cheered. “I think she’s a keeper for sure. I think the real question is why the, pardon my French, HELL are you guys just loafing about when you have some beautiful birds that are wanting to dance!”

“You’re one to talk! I’ve been pleading to dance all night long.” Shouted Tanya from somewhere to Caspar’s left.

Jim glowed as he looked at her, “and might I ask when you asked?”

“Well it was implied.” Tanya giggled, then in a flash they were both up dancing, quite horribly if you ask Caspar, next to Zoe and Ava.

-

After his 9th bottle of disgusting piss beer, and Joe and Thomas (Thoe? Joemas?) disappearing from his view, Caspar was feeling less sick and could focus on his brilliant girlfriend.

Said brilliant girlfriend pulled him from the sofa, and with minimal stumbling he began to twirl her about the room. The word ART came back to him, as it always did when he was with her, Ava’s hair was in a loose bun, bits of curly honey fell into her eyes. The flowy lavender dress she wore was vibrant in the beige room. The bangles on her armed clanked loudly to the lame pop song playing and the only lipstick left on her thin lips was where the frilly wine-cooler bottles didn’t touch.

“Caspar- I think I could dance with you forever.” She beamed up at him and everything was good. It was fucking fantastic. He kissed her deeply, tasted the remaining expensive lipstick soak into his tongue. It tasted like vanilla. She was vanilla, but it was wrong- it was to soft and her upper lip was to smooth.

“You kiss different, something’s not right… there’s cream of lipstick on my teeth… ” He mumbled drunkenly against her dimple.

“What?” She giggled at him. “I think you’ve had too much my cute graceless deer.”

“I don’t think you are a temple.” Why couldn’t his stupid drunk mouth be quiet!

“Caspar, what are you going on about? Love?” She was started to laugh at him- loudly, but before he could answer the music was cut off.

“Okay enough of this Taylor Swift bullshit!” Thomas cackled. A song, _Hozier- From Eden_ , started playing and he pulled Joe into the center of room, pushing Caspar and a very amused Ava out of the way.

_Babe_

_There's something tragic about you_

_Something so magic about you_

_Don't you agree?_

_Babe_

_There's something lonesome about you_

_Something so wholesome about you_

_Get closer to me_

Joe stumbled behind Thomas until they turned to face each other. He wrapped his arms around Thomas’s neck, which he achieved by standing on his tip toes. In the 400$ heeled-ankle boots Thomas had bought him.

The first thing he noticed was Joe’s uncoordinated movements- like he was a falling through a cloud, not dancing in front of his closest friends. The overwhelming smell of cigarette’s made Caspar’s eyes squint in pain. When did Joe start smoking? The next thing he really noticed was Joe’s glassy red eyes, like he had been crying. Bursts of red lightening connected from tear ducts to pupils. His nostrils were slighted reddened and he was singing the song against Thomas lips- a minute behind on every line. He wasn't even dress as Joe- With the black booties, snug black jeans, and a blue velvet turtleneck that would rise up his stomach with even the smallest movement. He looked more like a glass doll than the boy that used to play competitive video games back at their - Joe's flat.

Caspar had never seen Joe like this before, and he wasn’t sure what to make of it. It was like the house of God was crumbling in front of him, like a plague of Thomas locusts had covered him whole and instead of seeing Joe, all he could see was swarming goosebumps that attached themselves to the back of Joe’s neck.

“Disgusting, innit?” He scoffed loudly, Ava elbowed him in the ribs, Marcus gave them a disapproving look. He looked ready to say something if Caspar opened his mouth again.

“You’re mad at him, he really hurt you, didn’t he? Want to talk about it?” she whispered quietly, only for him to hear, “or… we could go find the room he’s staying him, and I’ll blow you on his bed.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Caspar followed her up the stairs. Not noticing Joe’s unfocused tearful eyes following him along every step.

Caspar gritted his teeth against every lyric that continued to play- Joe dancing with Thomas was a shrine being burned to the ground.

_Babe, there's something wretched about this_

_Something so precious about this_

_Oh what a sin_

_To the strand a picnic plan for you and me_

_A rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree_

_Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago_

_Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword_

_Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know_

_I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... it's been a long while... Anyways,
> 
> I'm sorry for being gone so so long again..  
> it's been months- I know. I just hope my readers are still out there.
> 
> I just get so bad sometimes and I lose all motivation, and honestly my supports and the comments I get help me bring back motivation to finish this story. 
> 
> I don't want to let any of you guys down 
> 
> Cara <3
> 
> p.s. I wrote this at 2 am and I don't have the will power to proof read it lmao so... there could be grammar or spelling errors, but hopefully not to many.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment - and Enjoy!! Tell me what you think!   
> Love, Carazollo xx


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